The title of my blog tonight is 2 H A R D years.
For the last 2 years I have had a hard time in life! (and yes I know there are people out there who have a harder life) The last weekend of Jan 2009 my little sister and mother bought me and Nate a 1 way ticket from Dallas to Kansas City, I had enough of the emotionally/verbally/spiritually abusive marriage that I was in and finally got up the guts to leave. THAT WAS H A R D! I cried more than I think I have ever cried in my life.
I graciously lived with my dad/step-mom from Feb 2009-Oct 2009 That was HARD I know there are a lot of parents who do not want their adult kids to live with them, but please let me tell you this, it is hard to go from 100% independent for 4+ years to living back with your parents!!!! HARD!!!!
In September 2009 I started Graduate School at Saint Paul School of Theology because I believe with my heart that God who holds perfect power has called me into ordained ministry in the United Methodist Church and with out a seminary degree one (of my age) cannot get ordained. that decision was HARD because I did not know how I was going to provide for myself or my son while going to school full time.
School seemed to be okay, don't get me wrong after almost 5 years out of school it was hard to get my head around all the reading the grammar (which is still horrible). School for me is kind of like a 'normalcy' with all the crazy going on in my life. I can always depend that I have homework to do (mainly reading), classes to take, and a school family who cares...
My divorce was final Aug 30th 2010. Which included me driving 1000+ miles in 48 hours to appear in court in Dallas TX. THAT WAS HARD!! it was HARD to see my TX family and to say goodbye to them they mean SO much to me! I cried a lot on that trip.
I'm not sure what is harder, a broken heart, recovering from emotional abuse OR going to school full time and being a single mom. Or knowing that my son has not seen his father in almost 2 years. Yes his father hurt me, but that does not mean that he should not have a relationship with his son.
I had a successful fall semester with an A- and 2 B's the best semester yet. I face 2011 being laid off from my steady church job at the end 2010... I have been blessed by keeping a part time job on campus where I attend school, I will be able to pick up some extra hours this spring and hopefully 'make it'. It will be HARD!
I tried dating...went on like 6 dates, maybe I thought having a 'man' would make me feel better about myself, would heal my broken heart... well a good friend (if she reads this she knows who she is) recommended a book entitled "On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone" by Florence Falk. I haven't read it all but just the beginning of this book has allowed me to be confident in Who I am, and WHOSE I am. Having a man does not make me complete. Does that mean I am out of the dating game? nope. (So hey if you think you can set me up with someone bring it on)But it does mean that I'm not scared of being alone, and that when I feel lonely is when I need to embrace my first love...God.
What does 2011 hold for me? I do not know. I do know I still have 2.5 years left of school so i'm not leaving Saint Paul School of Theology anytime soon. I also know that my Son needs his Momma to be his mother, his father for a bit longer.
Everyday I face opposition. There are people out there who think I am crazy for doing all 'this'. There are people out there that think I should have reconciled with my ex-husband. (because Christians don't get divorced). I face opposition within my own heart because 'THIS' is SO H A R D! Pray for me, pray for us. Believe in me, believe in us. I am not perfect by any means. I have learned a lot about myself and I know that there is a lot of room for me to improve in my education, spiritual life, and parenting.
I however remain to have HOPE. HOPE in who/what God has called me to become. I have hope that this calling/career will give the stability that I long to provide for my Son. So when you pray for us, pray that the HOPE will ring LOUD in my ears when this year gets hard, as the past 2 years have...
WOW Becky, I've never known how you felt through all of the stuff you've had to go through lately. I now have empathy for you and Nate-Nate. I do believe in you, I always have and always will and I will always and I mean always be praying for you and N. It's not far that N has to grow up without his Father present, but that is Michael's decision. You can do this, and I hope that you and I can grow closer through our rough times. Thanks for sharing this. Love ya lots...
ReplyDeleteRachael