just a glance at the stars

So it is July 13th a few hours away from the 14th. I've been in my new home/ at my new job about 3 weeks. I have met some of the nicest people. I have a nice big office (bigger than i've ever had before). I have a nice big house (bigger than I've ever lived in before). I am serving 2 churches that seem to be happy and excited for a new pastor. My son has adjusted and is being his ornery, 5 yr old, self. Things seem to be going awesomely (if thats not a word I just made it up). So what is this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach? What are these questions that keep haunting me? Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs GOD WHY DID YOU SEND ME WAY OUT HERE? WHY away from my family? away from my friends? away from what my normal?? And to be honest I've been asking myself these questions since the middle of April when I got the Call and came for my first visit. And to be even more honest this week has been the first week since graduation that hasn't been full of busyness that I've been able to stop, sit down, contemplate, and wrestle with these questions since April. If you are unaware. I am now serving Vienna and Rader United Methodist churches in Mid-Missouri. I now live about 35 miles south of Jefferson City and about 25 miles north of Rolla, in Vienna MO. In the COUNTRY, in a SMALL town, by far the smallest town I have ever lived in. While in seminary I anticipated this. I knew that living in a state that is 90% Rural that I would at some point in my career get appointed to a rural community. I've had a couple of good weeks in the office and in the pulpit. I'm meeting people getting the lay of the land. Doing stuff that anybody that moves to a new community should do. Except for the past 2 days I've stayed home, and played with my son, and spent time just thinking. And those questions kept coming to me. So saturday night as I read over my sermon for tomorrow a couple of more times. As I read the news and am heartbroken over the George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin news (was justice really served??) So I stepped outside onto my deck, desperately seeking a touch a moment in God's presence... And what do you know, my breath was taken away by the beauty that is a country night sky. Stars so bright. everything so quiet. stars so amazingly beautiful that I could almost hear God saying to me: "stay calm, breathe deep, behold my beauty, stay strong, keep your faith, trust me." So I will take this glance at the stars, this amazing show of beauty, with me tomorrow and in the days ahead, trusting, waiting and keeping the faith that God will reveal all God needs me to know while I serve here. My prayer is that God will move so deeply inside of me that I can serve these people this community in a way that they deeply need, and that my 'stuff' doesn't get in the way. Amen.

My oh MY!

well I got to 89 days of my count down... Today is June 13th and i'm almost a month past graduation. (I didn't do so hot on my 99 days countdown) So since Feb. Nate Graduated preschool... and .... I GRADUATED with my Master of Divinity with a specialization in Wesleyan Studies!!!!!! I cannot describe the JOY I felt that day! It was SO MUCH FUN! we had a picnic at my parents house afterwards family, friends/church peoples came and celebrated with me. I was SO FULL of joy! I also got my 'Call' from my DS (District Superintendent) about a full time appointment. I accepted the call to serve the Vienna/Rader charge in Vienna MO Rader UMC is in the country just North of Vienna and Vienna UMC is the UM Church in town. This is my first full time appointment. This is also my first two point charge. (the two churches equal a full time salary) MOVE DAY IS JUNE 27TH (2 weeks from today). so I am packing and purging, packing and purging... More posts to come... lots of love! ~Bec

forgetful, 91,90,89

wow I went all weekend w/out a post. So this will be short and simple because its sunday, i'm tired and gosh dang it monday is tomorrow... again... Day 91 Ada Mead. I lived in this building in 2009 for about 1 month. It was closed as student housing not too long after. It's not the best place I've lived, yet also not the worst. I liked the antique uniqueness that it holds. I also liked all the animals that lived there with their owners. I actually have lived in all 4 housing buildings on campus. I move a lot. it's sad, now that im in my 30's I really hope I dont have to move as much, WAIT what am I saying, I'm a United Methodist pastor, I better become a pro at this moving thing. Last thing I have to say about Ada Mead is: smallest. kitchen. ever!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Day 90 Cannon Hall. I lived in Cannon until spring 2011, so 2ish years. I like my 2 bedroom apartment, I moved because the rent went up and I could survive in a smaller place to save money. what I liked about cannon, is that the Laundry room was right next to the TV lounge so it was easy to do laundry and watch TV at the same time. What I disliked the most was living right next to the exit/entrance, every single time someone went in or out the door, the door slammed so hard it shook my wall. Cannon was a good place to live, I liked the community, I remember taking N trick-or-treating down the halls, getting to know my seminary/staff neighbors. I enjoyed smelling the korean/asian food my across the hall neighbors made. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Day 89 (today/sunday 2/17) Zartman Hall. I lived here only for a few months, the spring--late summer/ early fall 2011 when I moved to independence closer to where I worked. I loved Zartman, it was only a 1 bedroom apartment, but the bedroom was big enough to put 2 beds in it. It had so many little closets and hidden storage spaces. I also loved the antiqueness like I did in Ada Mead, except this kitchen was larger and much better. This was the apartment I lived in when I got my first appointment. I remember countless nights in the first month of being a student pastors on my knees crying out to God to invade me so I didn't screw up this new job, and so I would lead the people I was appointed to serve closer to God. I loved living in this apartment also for a selfish reason, my apartment was on street level, so carrying in groceries and N if he fell asleep in the car was so much easier. Much unlike the apartment I am in now, I live on the 3rd floor, yuck! Zartman was a good place to live, the community was great, again. My hope and prayer is that the next round of student housing when SPST moves to the Resurrection campus is that the deciding bodies remember how important it is for seminary students to have community outside of the classroom, and that living on campus really helps with that. I also kind of hope that whomever leases or purchases this campus in the future use these housing units to help those who cannot afford a place of their own. I loved when I lived on campus it was fun, not to say I don't like where I live now, I do. I think one of the things I miss most about living on campus was being able to walk to my classes, then walk back to my place on break. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So tomorrow marks 88 days left until graduation. I'm kind of running out of places to write about, so I think I'll blog about what Ive learned, the largest life lessons through my seminary career. Wellll its 11pm on a Sunday night and I should get some shut-eye. Tomorrow is monday... :-/ I hope you all have a blessed week! ~Bec

92 days

"92 days of seminary left, 92 days of seminary, take one down, think it around, 92 days of seminary left" SO today is Valentines day. And for me the worst day of the year. Its just so overpriced, over advertised day to honor a valentine/person that we're supposed to love everyday of our life. Stupid. thats. all. but this day is all about LOVE and because JESUS is in my heart I have all the love I need right?! lol! So for tonights blog I thought I'd blog about the place/people I love the MOST! The place is the Fishing Spot. so here are several pictures of my GOOD friends in our fishing spot. Lots of lovely people, lots of fun, lots of love shared between these people. Several of them are far far away and several of them I miss dearly, but still they are friends and still the place will hold a special spot in my heart. I hope you all had a good thursday, Thank God tomorrow is Friday! ~Bec

94...no make that 93 days left

whoops!! I forgot to post yesterday! So today i'll do days 94 and 93. "94 days of seminary left, 94 days of seminary, take one down, think it around, 94 days of seminary left." Today (yesterday) I want to talk about this video: Saint Paul at Church of the Resurrection <---watch it its cool. Its a good video, my good buddy david is the narrator! I am a little apprehensive still about this move to a mega church, however like stated before SPST is MY seminary and I pray earnestly for all the leadership of this school so that through this transition they will continue to hear where God is calling them. IF seminaries collaborating with Mega-churches is the next NEW fad for seminary/pastoral education I pray that SPST can lay the groundwork and not allow pride to get in the way. I would also like to say that the media and other people have stated that they feel that SPST is abandoning the NEast Community of KC with this move. Although I am a huge fan of the urban core, and I do think that packing up and leaving due to fear of safety is a false fear, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that SPST will not leave this current location empty or abandoned. It is the sincerest desire and passion of the SPST Truman Road Committee to find a company, school, program, individual to take over this space that has a smilar mission to serve the kingdom of God. I honestly believe that whomever moves into this space will be good for this community. DAY 93 "93 days of seminary left, 93 days of seminary take one down, think it around 93 days of seminary left" Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent. Also most likely the busiest season for pastors and student pastors. Its a reflective kind of day. So today I want to write about, remember, the space on campus where I like to just sit and think, or space out. I usually only sit here about once or twice a semester because its usually quiet. Its the break room in KS Winger building. As a break room you would think that it was busy with traffic and sometimes there is traffic, but it's quiet most of the time, very occasionally I like to sit on the odd colored couches and stare off into space. Just writing this makes me wonder where those spaces will be at Resurrection, I honestly hope that this move allows students to find those quiet nooks and places for reflection that are for the most part untouched by the business of the church and seminary. I have had a lot of good thinking done in that break room. here is the countdown for today: Once again thanks for following my random thoughts. I pray you all have a blessed Ash Wednesday and a Holy Lent season!! ~Bec

95 days

"95 days of seminary left, 95 days of seminary, take one down, think it around, 95 days of seminary left" 95 days, its monday! meh... Hendrix Hall I kid you not, 2 out of my 3 classes this semester, my last semester, are in Hendrix Hall. My favorite class in this room. UM History taught by Bishop Mutti, my least favorite class in this classroom Intro to Ethics. So I kinda like blogging about my last days at SPST. One thing I will do once I start running out of physical places is start writing about what I've learned while being here. In other big news. The Pope Resigned! whaaaaa?! Baseball season has started! Pitchers and Catchers have begun spring training! woooo hoooooo! ASH WEDNESDAY is THIS wednesday LENT beings THIS week. It honestly seems like christmas was yesterday. This is my favorite time of year, I'm really really looking forward to graduation. It feels so amazing to have come SO far in the last 4 years, not just educationally, but emotionally, spiritually, physically, my big goal for the next 3-4 years is Ordination, plus other smaller goals. Thanks for following my random thoughts. Hope ya'll have a great monday night and a FAB Tuesday! ~Bec~

96 days

"96 days of seminary left, 96 days of seminary, take one down, think it around, 96 days of seminary left." One of my countdown apps is called "reminder pro" it breaks down the time in months, weeks, days, hours minutes and seconds. This is what it says for right now:

Its going by sooo fast. I mean I've been here 4 years, but it just seems like these last days are flying by. Once the weight of the semester hits I'll probably be saying the opposite. Anyway, today is Sunday, I had a great service this morning. Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, which signifies the beginning of Lent. Every year I decide to give up something and take something on. This year I am going back to giving up soda and sweets and picking up exercising 3 days a week. (i'm actually starting tomorrow) But there is a friend/colleague of mine who is fasting for the entire 40 days of lent. You can find out all about this on her Facebook page So today I'm blogging about the library. Ohhh the library. At first I was scared of the library. I don't know why, maybe because the stacks are a little creepy. I've spent many a hour working there, reading there, researching there, getting lost in the stacks there and of course asking for help. I remember my first 2 years there when I lived on campus (lived, worked, and went to classes all in the same place) the only place I could find some solace long enough for thoughts to start flowing on a paper was in the secretive study carols at the end of the stacks. I'd lock myself in one of those rooms for hours hammering out a paper. Im not in the library as much now. I go and do research several times a semester, but now that I've moved off campus its a little bit harder to spend as much time there. I do have to admit that it took me 2 years to successfully find a book in the stacks the first time w/out looking for help.

Lots of good memories there, lots of hard work completed there. I'm very grateful to all the hard workers who have helped me and other students with research, exegesis papers, and get what we need. I will always remember our librarian because we share a birthday. John was born on Sept. 21st and so was I ... just a few years apart. Well tomorrow I think I will blog about Hendrix Hall... the lecture hall in the basement of the Library. Hope you all have a restful Sunday evening. YAY FOR MONDAYS ... :-/ ~Bec

97 days

97 Days of seminary left, 97 days, take one down think it around, 97 days of seminary left. Rogers Hall. I am not joking when I say that all of my classes my first semester were in this classroom. Sitting there for 3 hours at a time 2-3 days a week you become VERY familiar with the place. I got to know a lot of my classmates in this classroom. Scouted out the best seats (I usually sit by the door, you know, for easy escape) I learned quickly not to sit in the middle near the back of the classroom because thats where the fans blew like a massive blowdryer down on the students.

But it wasn't until I decided to run the tech for this class that I really knew the classroom. The screens were decent, the projectors were okay, not the nicest but not the worst. The system they used felt old because it tripped up a lot and I quickly disliked this classroom. Not really the classroom but the technology. What I disliked more was not being able to get the systems to work for the professor or the flow of the lecture. Regardless I spent a lot of time in that space. I am more than positive that come this time next year I would love to be back in that space absorbing and learning more. The whole goal of me blogging about my time left at SPST was to remember the good times, to reflect on all I've learned and to blog about it because after this semester, nobody will have class in there again. Classes will be in another location, but classes will continue, there will continue to be young, bright, passioned students, filling the classrooms of SPST at Church of the Resurrection, and God will continue to form the pastors, leaders, deacons, elders, local pastors, etc... in this area. Just because we're leaving the KC campus does not mean God is abandoning us. Change is a necessary part of life. Winter happens every year (at least in this part of the world) spring and growth always comes after the death of winter... Speaking of SPRING... its Feb 9th... Im READY for 65--75 degree weather... Tomorrow I'll blog about the Library. Happy Sunday (tomorrow) to all my peeps! ~Bec

98 days

"98 days of seminary left, 98 days of seminary, take one down, think it around, 98 days of seminary left" So 98 days...One of my favorite places on SPST campus is the coffee house/study area, I think I spent most of my 3rd year there, AND I think I've written about 75% of my papers sitting there. I have many fond memories of paper writing 'parties' that lasted long into the night with my friends and colleagues. As well as goof off times that have allowed me to keep my sanity. The picture below is a bit of goofing off and a bit of serious-ness...

I have been blessed to live near SPST, unlike a lot of students that travel hours to come to class, so I also have memories of sitting there in the silence between semesters, silence that was needed and restful. The coffee that they brew at Holy Grounds coffee house comes from The Roasterie Cafe in Kansas City. I think once I graduate I may need to purchase some to make at home, its soo good!

98 days seems soo small, but Ive got about 14 major papers left to write and probably at the least 1000 pages to read before then. But like Ive told myself since I started this journey, take it one day at a time... in 98 days my life will change, SPST will change, KC will change, Church of the Resurrection will change, lots will change... Today, this day, is all that we are guaranteed, tell the people you care for that you love them and be thankful. Thanks for reading, tomorrow I will blog about Rogers Hall. ~Bec

You can do anything for 99 days right?

"99 days of seminary left, 99 days of seminary, take one down, pass it around (I kind of like think it around), 99 days of seminary left"... So guess what?! There are 99 days until May 17th 2013. 99 days until I walk across the stage at my MDiv Graduation, 99 days until i'm done with school, 99 day... 99 days. Thats all. So I had a thought maybe for the next 99 days I will blog about my time at SPST First if you are not from the KC area and have some how missed all the newspaper articles and news headlines surrounding the school, you should know that A LOT has changed and is changing on this campus, and at the end of this semester the school is closing its doors on the KC Campus and moving to Leawood KS, on the Church of the Resurrection campus. There have been a lot of hype about this: people who are mad, people who are happy, people who dont understand, there are a lot of feelings surrounding this move. If I am honest with myself, at first I was mad. I'm not a huge fan of mega-churches and the "monopoly" they tend to have, but I am a huge fan of Saint Paul School of Theology its my school, my seminary. Have they made some bad decisions about the move to Leawood? yes. Some of those decisions meant I had to say goodbye to some of the best people that I'm proud to call my friends. Some of those decisions made me question the ethics of the leadership at SPST. What it boils down to is that I am grateful to my seminary for the theological education and for the personal, spiritual education I've received and regardless of where that seminary is located I believe they will continue to educate leaders and provide experiences for students to grow individually, spiritually and theologically. Even though there has been pain regarding this move as a Christian aren't I supposed to 'turn the other cheek' and continue to pray for and love my enemies? SPST is my seminary, and Im grateful for my education, and I hope that by supporting them through this mess, the new incoming students will see that, find 'community' and maybe pass on that loyalty and that community to the next round of new students. SO For the next 99 days will be blogging about my time, that 'sacred space' on the KC campus.

Today is the Chapel. This may actually make more than one day on this journey. Kresge chapel, I've cried, laughed, prayed, sang, preached, read scripture, shared my story, sat in silence, and reflected in that space. I remember 3 years ago sitting in the first worship service of the spring semester before my divorce was final. I cried a lot that semester. I was probably at the weakest point in my life, I didn't know if I could make it through. I didn't know how I was going to provide for my son, but somewhere I had to come up with the strength to keep going, AND finalize my divorce. Yet, with a combination of my family, prayers, chapel services, friends, and most importantly GOD I made it through, I found the strength, and I finalized my divorce. I remember feeling weak emotionally but going to chapel service in that building because I knew I would meet God there, sometimes meeting God, even if it is just in a 30 sec prayer or a hymn that lasts 2 minutes, is all the strength you need to make it through the day. I'm grateful for my experiences in that Chapel. SPST is my seminary, and it always will be. A lot will change even in the next 99 days. So for the next 99 days I will continue on this journey of blogging about my time at SPST, You can do anything for 99 days right? I look forward to tomorrow when I will blog about the Holy Grounds coffee house on campus. ~Bec

5 years

5 years! I cannot believe its been 5 years! 5 years ago I got up the guts to leave my emotionally abusive ex husband. I called my little sister and mother and they helped me get from Dallas to KC, one of the hardest, yet best things I have done in my life. (besides giving birth to my son) I will forever be grateful to all of my family for helping me and N get through all the transitions and become whole again. A lot has changed in 5 years. I am one semester away from graduating from seminary. Ive been appointed in a church for 2 years now. I feel like I have reclaimed a lot of my identity as a woman and as a Child of God, which is amazing! However I did realize recently that some of my emotions and feelings (especially being single for 5 years now) are still tied to what my ex-husband thought of me, or how he treated me. I am still bound to these images and feelings and I am sick and tired of it. Then there is my weight, which is tied to my emotions. So this is my next 5 year goal. Become 100% liberated from any residual ex-husband ex-marriage junk. also in the next 5 years I want to --loose 100lbs. --Become Ordained --Learn and excel at espanol --Learn to play guitar and maybe I should say blog regularly. I'm still working on that one. To all those women out there (and men) who are surviving in emotional or physical abusive relationships. There is help, it is okay for you to stand up for yourself, and you can get out! I can't wait for the next 5 years, I promise to try and blog a bit more :-) ~Bec