LOVE is:...

Okay so I've realized that the past few blogs of mine have been kind of downers so I've decided to pump things up a bit. For the month of February I will be posting all about LOVE! I have friends that despise valentines day, and I've been there so I feel 'em! but I've also had very nice valentines days and so I'm kinda 'eh' about the day I really couldn't care less... It's like Christmas WAY over mediatized (and Yes I think I just made up that word)...

So I will start with a quote from one of my favorite authors/theologians:

"Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality--not as we expect it to be but as it is--is to see that unless we live for each other and in and through each other, we do not really live very satisfactorily; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love." --Frederick Buechner--

now instead of thinking of this 'you' he refers to here as your significant other...think of it in the context of "love your neighbor as yourself"



woah wowzer That'll preach baby!!!!

I hope to post at least once a week, keep lookin out for some more love from this big momma!!!!

~B

2 H A R D years!

Well its Jan 9th well into the New Year... welcome 2011... Nate and I didn't do much to celebrate, but we did make cookies and watch Max and Ruby's New Year episode.


The title of my blog tonight is 2 H A R D years.

For the last 2 years I have had a hard time in life! (and yes I know there are people out there who have a harder life) The last weekend of Jan 2009 my little sister and mother bought me and Nate a 1 way ticket from Dallas to Kansas City, I had enough of the emotionally/verbally/spiritually abusive marriage that I was in and finally got up the guts to leave. THAT WAS H A R D! I cried more than I think I have ever cried in my life.

I graciously lived with my dad/step-mom from Feb 2009-Oct 2009 That was HARD I know there are a lot of parents who do not want their adult kids to live with them, but please let me tell you this, it is hard to go from 100% independent for 4+ years to living back with your parents!!!! HARD!!!!

In September 2009 I started Graduate School at Saint Paul School of Theology because I believe with my heart that God who holds perfect power has called me into ordained ministry in the United Methodist Church and with out a seminary degree one (of my age) cannot get ordained. that decision was HARD because I did not know how I was going to provide for myself or my son while going to school full time.



School seemed to be okay, don't get me wrong after almost 5 years out of school it was hard to get my head around all the reading the grammar (which is still horrible). School for me is kind of like a 'normalcy' with all the crazy going on in my life. I can always depend that I have homework to do (mainly reading), classes to take, and a school family who cares...

My divorce was final Aug 30th 2010. Which included me driving 1000+ miles in 48 hours to appear in court in Dallas TX. THAT WAS HARD!! it was HARD to see my TX family and to say goodbye to them they mean SO much to me! I cried a lot on that trip.

I'm not sure what is harder, a broken heart, recovering from emotional abuse OR going to school full time and being a single mom. Or knowing that my son has not seen his father in almost 2 years. Yes his father hurt me, but that does not mean that he should not have a relationship with his son.

I had a successful fall semester with an A- and 2 B's the best semester yet. I face 2011 being laid off from my steady church job at the end 2010... I have been blessed by keeping a part time job on campus where I attend school, I will be able to pick up some extra hours this spring and hopefully 'make it'. It will be HARD!

I tried dating...went on like 6 dates, maybe I thought having a 'man' would make me feel better about myself, would heal my broken heart... well a good friend (if she reads this she knows who she is) recommended a book entitled "On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone" by Florence Falk. I haven't read it all but just the beginning of this book has allowed me to be confident in Who I am, and WHOSE I am. Having a man does not make me complete. Does that mean I am out of the dating game? nope. (So hey if you think you can set me up with someone bring it on)But it does mean that I'm not scared of being alone, and that when I feel lonely is when I need to embrace my first love...God.

What does 2011 hold for me? I do not know. I do know I still have 2.5 years left of school so i'm not leaving Saint Paul School of Theology anytime soon. I also know that my Son needs his Momma to be his mother, his father for a bit longer.

Everyday I face opposition. There are people out there who think I am crazy for doing all 'this'. There are people out there that think I should have reconciled with my ex-husband. (because Christians don't get divorced). I face opposition within my own heart because 'THIS' is SO H A R D! Pray for me, pray for us. Believe in me, believe in us. I am not perfect by any means. I have learned a lot about myself and I know that there is a lot of room for me to improve in my education, spiritual life, and parenting.

I however remain to have HOPE. HOPE in who/what God has called me to become. I have hope that this calling/career will give the stability that I long to provide for my Son. So when you pray for us, pray that the HOPE will ring LOUD in my ears when this year gets hard, as the past 2 years have...

some Christmas pics

if you haven't already seen them on Facebook, here are a few Christmas pictures. N had a great Christmas. now on the 3rd of Jan. as I write this I am grateful that I've had the time to rest, read, clean, and do a little bit of playing on my Christmas break... i'm feeling like it will be another fight with insomnia tonight so I may post another blog a little later...


cookie decorating, N loved it!!


look at all those presents! dont worry they were not all for Nate! He did get the 2 big ones tho!! I'm SO blessed to have been able to give those to him, err I mean Santa!!



this is one of my favorites from the pics that N's teacher took of us! she's a photographer in her 'off' times!!

Well I hope ya'll had a blessed christmas! and I hope that this new year brings lots of happiness, few tears, and a TON of hope to you and yours!!!

~B

Christmas Time

Well
it has arrived, almost...Christmas is almost here. 4 more days. Nate has been getting more and more excited each day. Nate and I will be spending Christmas eve at my dads house so my dad and step mom can watch him open his presents. I cannot wait to see his face.

I have also been so reflective lately tho. I keep thinking about the families of the friends of mine who have died. This will be their first Christmas w/out they're child, because they buried them. I cannot imagine the pain these families will be facing as most of us are excited and happy to be receiving presents, these families will be grieving and maybe not evening celebrating Christmas at all. I cannot imagine having to bury your child, then turn around a week or a few days later and celebrate anything. As a pastor in training I'm not even sure what to say to these families. Every holiday will be different, nothing will be the same. Grief during the Holiday season. Is there a class in seminary for that????????

I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me this holiday season. Allowing me to give Nate a really nice Christmas!! I praise God for this. and I yearn to God and call out to God to help the hurt of those that are deeply hurt this season.

when it is all said and done with December 25th will come and go it is just another ordinary day of the year. I hope that we all can take some time, and think about those who are not so joyous this time of year due to recent death and say a prayer or offer a hug or whatever, to ease the pain.

and remember... Emmanuel: God IS With Us

I'll be posting pics of Nate's Christmas soon.

Lindz

Today December 11th I went to a funeral of a dear friend. I lived with her in college. The funeral was beautiful! She was 25 and lost her 2nd battle with brain cancer. You can read her story here: Lindsey

I cried a lot today. I've cried a lot since I learned that she died. During the service the microphone was open to the audience for us to share memories of Lindsey. I was too weepy to get up and say anything and also felt that maybe the people that knew her longer or better should have their time. However I cannot stop thinking about what Lindsey means to me, so I'm posting this story to help with my grieving and to share my story about Lindsey with others.

I lived with Lindsey Summer 2005-December 2005 a very short time, but a very wonderful time. We lived together with others, at the Wesley House the United Methodist Campus Ministry at University of Central Missouri (you can find them on facebook here) I was a Senior, Lindsey was in her first maybe 2nd year at UCM she was just a baby! We did a lot of small events together for the Wesley house. Lindsey was SO strong in her faith that it was inspiring to ALL of us there. I was dating a guy at the time I was living there, and knew I was going to marry him. Lindsey shared with me the joys of boys and the sorrows they can bring too... One evening I had just gotten off the phone with my boyfriend and he told me that he had cheated on me, I was devastated, crying, and just heart broken. I remember Lindsey came to me, wiped the hair out of my face, wiped my tears and said "uh shoot man,Bec, im sorry, but come on, you are beautiful, you do not deserve him, you deserve so much better" then she hugged me, and said "I will beat him up if you want me to", we giggled.
I graduated that December, moved to TX, and married that man. That man, did it again, he cheated on me and broke my heart again. I left him and moved back to the Kansas City area. shortly after I moved back was when I learned Lindsey was re-diagnosed with brain cancer. This past year or so of going through the divorce process and child support process, I was motivated by Lindsey's love, and faith, and I keep remembering what she said "you are beautiful, you deserve better" Lindsey's words have been one of the many motivating and inspiring forces behind the healing from my divorce. I am SO grateful!!
It hurts that she is gone. and Yes Lindsey please when you meet my ex husband feel free to beat him up! lol! I know that Lindsey is in a better place and that I am so incredibly blessed to of had her in my life. I love ya Lindz!!

Holidays/Advent

Well goodness gracious! It is hard to believe that it has been 2 months since I last posted! School takes up a lot of my time. Sometimes I thought "oh I should post a blog" but I just couldn't sit behind my computer any longer. Now I find myself tired but unable to fall asleep, so I'm updating you all, whomever you are.
Tomorrow 11/28/10 Is the first Sunday in Advent... I usually love Advent and try my best to keep the holidays centered around Jesus. I have mixed feelings about this Advent Season... 3 reasons:

1st its still weird! Even thought this is the 2nd holiday season since I've been a single mom I still feel bad, lonely, sad, and weird about my Son (N) not seeing his father, and about me being divorced, when I got married I was so ready to plan my own traditions and such, now I'm back with family and am struggling to find our own (just me and N) again.



2nd: I am being laid off from the church where I have worked for the past year. See the funny thing about working in the Church business is that you kind of get attached to people, the order, and the place! I realize the church is going though a tough financial situation and I have no hard feelings for them laying me off, but gosh darn it I'm gonna miss those people! I have learned SO much from serving them, and will use my skills wherever I go, however, because of my current financial situation I have to look for work, and cannot stay and volunteer my time. I pray God will send me another job quickly! This makes me have mixed emotions for the Advent Season because, Advent is the Beginning of the Christian Year, and for me I always attempt to have a strong, close, relational time with God during Advent to give me a fresh start, a clean slate. For me its kind of like New Years Resolutions, only in November/December... SO the fact that I'm getting laid off and that I, more than likely, will not be at this church past the Advent Season it makes it hard to even want to start the Advent season with them.




3rd: The Happy Part about all of this is that ITS ADVENT TIME. Time to understand in a new and fresh way that JESUS WAS BORN A HUMAN INTO THIS WORLD, ALL BECAUSE OF L O V E!! I love Advent, I love Mary and Joseph's story, I love Baby Jesus, I love the decorations, the candles, the food, the music, the lights, the family, AND MOST OF ALL THE L O V E!! I hope that God can pierce through this tough time that I am in and make this Advent season real, true, and meaningful for me and N.

Speaking of N... I'm a little worried, I hope its just a phase, but He is not sleeping well at all. He takes a good 1 hour or longer to fall asleep. He keeps saying he's scared of monsters, and he jumps at every little noise. Then when he finally does fall asleep he wakes up about every 2 hours crying and wanting mommy. I try hard to keep him out of my bed, because he's old enough to sleep on his own. I just am not sure where all of this I'm scared business came from! I wonder if he has nightmares? I wonder if he has the same nightmare and thats why he doesn't like to fall asleep? I posted this on Facebook a few nights ago and got some great advice from other mothers, I'm going to try their remedy's one by one, hopefully by then we'll be over this phase! Right now he is asleep on his mattress at the foot of my bed, and the hallway light is on... I feel bad that he doesn't feel safe, and we are both tired of not sleeping through the night!




So if you think of it, pray for mommy and N that we find a new job, and that we sleep through the night again!

HAPPY ADVENT!!

~B

Update!

Well a whole lot has happened since I last posted about a month ago!!!

This shall be a short explaination of what all happened...

First things first, the Divorce was finalized and child support was set in motion!

This included me driving 9 hours down to Dallas and then a 12 hour drive back (with a long overnight "nap" after 8hours) back to KC. I cried a lot, I screamed a lot, I prayed a lot. Even though both of us signed and agreed to the divorce decree months ago (back in may) One of us had to appear in court, for whatever reason my ex decided he wasn't going to appear as the court wanted him to, so I had to make the drive. No big deal IT IS OVER! I am moving on and I FEEL SO FREE!! this really helped me getting out of my PIT!! (see previous blogs for explaination:This drive also allowed me to listen to the rest of my book "get out of that Pit" by Beth Moore! How wonderful that book really is to people who are just stuck in a rut) OH and I changed my name back to my maiden name Rebecca Mulford!!

Second: Classes started for the fall sememster at St. Paul School of Theology! I am taking 9 credit hours: Preaching, Worship, and Process Theology. Lots of reading and paper writing!! So far the classes are great and I love my professors...ask me again come december and you might have a different story! lol!



and Finally:
Nate and I celebrated our birthdays!! Nate turned 3 on the 18th! and I turned 28 on the 21st! I threw a party at my place for Nate and I celebrated my day by attending class and doing homework WHOOP!




And thats about all for now! Hopefully I'll get the chance to post again before another month passes...only time will tell!! Now I must jet off to class!!

PEACE
~B