6 months

wow its been 6 months since my last post... 6 months... and Im still fat! of ALL the things I have been through in my life, including 27 hours of labor, divorce, single motherhood, almost 4 years of graduate school, and various mountain tops and valley's in my career, weight loss, substantial, sustaining weight loss is the absolute most hardest thing to get a grasp on. I don't have an answer. I mean people say "all you have to do is diet and exercise" diet I can handle, don't eat the breads, candy, soda's etc, its hard but I can do it (and for the most part am). Exercise thats a whole new story. Do you know how expensive it is to join a gym that has childcare? too much to even think about. OK so work out at your apartment complex or at school where there is a free gym, I've tried that. it doesn't work. I barely meet all of my homework, work, and household requirements and still get 6 hours of sleep a night, adding 30min-1hour in the gym everyday is impossible, literally impossible. Taking my wild child to the apartment complex gym or the gym at my school never works because I'm constantly telling him to stop climbing on the machines, or he is driving someone else crazy. There are no easy solutions. And so I remain stuck, and fat. Now I guess the piece of good news out of all of this is that I'm not gaining weight. so the "diet" or the more healthy I have started eating in the past year or so has at the least allowed me to remain the same weight. Part of me wishes there was a magic pill that would help me lose weight, but another part of me says this struggle just like all the others struggles in my life will develop my character and testimony. for now graduation is 7 months away. 30 weeks. If I can lose 1 pound a week for the next 30 weeks I will be "Pre-divorce" weight. lets see if it works... ~still fat~

OH MY!

I can NOT believe its been OVER a month since I last posted. I'm sure you are wondering WHAT HAPPENED to her?

Well folks I've YO-YO'd up 5 down 5 up 5 down 5 up 5 down 5. I have extreme bad weeks and extreme good weeks, but still have not lost more than 5 pounds WHAT DO I DO? I have NO idea!

I have tried SO HARD to incorporate healthy eating into my daily life style, but when I'm having a bad week, I cannot stay away from the fast food places therefore adding the 5 lost pounds back. This week that is about to end has been an extremely bad week and I'm a little depressed in myself.

I have stocked my cabinets with healthy granola bars that are high in protein and low in calories, but when I'm having a bad day, or an exhausted kind of day (like today) that is the last darn thing I want to eat! I want something comforting, mashed potatoes, fried anything, and of course a nice cool refreshing soda!

SO MY QUESTION to YOU healthy people out there. HOW can I change my mind or taste buds so when I'm feeling tired or stressed or overwhelmed I can still grab something healthy to eat that tastes good? to fulfill the hunger stab.

OR HOW CAN I GET AWAY FROM STRESS EATING?? Like I said in my last post I am addicted to food. When I feel sad, or mad, or angry, or happy, I eat something that tastes amazing and when I do this I feel better, this then wears off in a bout an hour and I might look for something else to keep that feeling going...much like an alcoholic. except with food addiction it is almost more severe because the "food/sugar high" can wear off in as quickly as 30 min, causing more sweets to enter the mouth. SO how do I STOP this addiction? I'm sorry but I really do not think a fad diet will work. It's almost like I need rehab, but do those exist for food addicts? I do not have time right now anyway. I am SO close to finishing school, in the back of my head I keep thinking loosing weight will be easier when I do not have so much on my plate (pun not intended, but still funny), but then I think if I don't do this now it will never happen. The fatter and older I get the harder it is for my body to move. This week has been a bad food week and I can feel that in my body, I hurt more, I have more indigestion, and irregularity when I eat bad foods, when I do not exercise I do not sleep as well, so when i'm being bad, I can literally feel it in my body and I hate it.

Speaking of exercise, I try hard to do at least 30 min a day. I try to park far away from wherever I'm going and walk more. This week I have done no exercising at all. I have found a wonderful walk at home video that even Nate likes to do with me sometimes. I love it and it takes about 45min--1hour to do the whole thing I did this 3 times two weeks ago and felt amazing! I wish I had the energy to keep this up!

I'm frustrated with my journey and totally feel like giving up. I told my friends I would try weight watchers, maybe that will help. I don't know. I really do not know what to do. Why is loosing weight harder than gaining weight?

~struggling and still fat~



UPDATE: I have found that my eating when I'm studying or writing late on the computer at night has changed, which is good. I do the carbonated water and gum option, so I'm still getting the carbonation that I crave and a little bit of sweetness and chewing motion from the chewing gum.

scales

SO like I said I bought a scale, it's kinda fancy...its digital, I already hate it! I have actually gained 20lbs since giving birth AHH!! I cried, I'm SO discouraged. I'M SO SICK WITH MYSELF, I DISGUST MYSELF! ALL I can say is food is evil! maybe I'm just so upset because I haven't had soda in like 5 days and I REALLY MISS IT! Ya know kinda like an addict who gets cranky without a fix. THE HORRIBLE thing I ate a candy bar after I weighed myself, why? probably cause I was sad and it made me feel a bit better..I MUST get out of eating when I'm sad, it only hurts me more...

SO this morning I woke up, I did not eat breakfast, I was not hungry. I just now got hungry at about 1pm. This is what I made:



its a salad with grilled chicken, TOTAL CALORIES UNDER 300: I cut up 1 green pepper, 4 celery stocks, 2 roma tomatoes,6 baby carrots, and 1/2 a head of lettuce, tossed it all together and put about half of it in my bowl, the other half I'll have tomorrow. the best part was the dressing:



I made my own! I squeezed 1/4 of a lime and sprinkled kosher salt over my salad and tossed it together, the lime works its way into all the veggies and makes it tart kinda like an Italian dressing...how many calories? 10!!

I just ate it, and I'm still a tad hungry so I think i'll have a Kashi Granola bar, tons of protein and few calories.

ANY WAY I'm trying hard to not eat junk, its HARD, I LOVE SWEETS AND PASTRY'S! LOVE THEM!! I feel happier when I eat them, but when I look at the scale I HATE it... so I MUST STOP.

OH and I'm going out tonight...with a BOY...! ;-) stayed tuned! NIX THAT PLANS CHANGED... oh well nothing like a movie night with my lil man!

Pre-DETOX

Okay SO i'm writing this the night before I start my 7-day detox. Part of this transitions lifestyle "diet" program is to detox your body from all the chemicals that consume through processed foods, coffee, etc...so for the next 7 days I will be drinking only water, eating 3 servings of fruit/day and eating as many vegetables that I want. No coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk/dairy products, nothing but fruits and vegetables. THIS is the HARD part for me. I rely on food to give me energy throughout my day and for the next 7 days all I have to rely on is vegetables...yikes.

I'm also going to add things to my water that are supposed to help with the detox, one is i'll be drinking hot lemon water first thing every morning (this is supposed to kick-start your metabolism), then then i'll be drinking "aloe-vera water which is supposed to help with the bloating that we all have, finally i'll be drinking "sassy water" which is lemons and cucumbers sliced up in water...not sure how all of these taste, but I'm up for an adventure especially if i'll feel better in the end.

SO here is a BEFORE picture...stay tuned for an AFTER picture...





i'm ready to be healthier for Nate, for Me, for my fruitfulness as a minister, all in the Name of Jesus my Savior.

Day Three- Never Diet Again!

Well today my son slept until almost 7am and I once again was greeted with 2 extra hours of sleep, a wonderful feeling!

I did a short devotion and I will share it totally here with you, because it is so wonderful and it is the coolest because it goes right along with this blog and my journey...




"Never Diet Again
It's you against all those fattening desserts: pies, cookies, cakes, candy. You have declared war on fat. You've carefully read food labels, measured portions, cut out the fatty foods from your diet, and exercised regularly. But did you know there's an eaiser way to stay healthy and fit, one that doesn't require you to lose weight to accomplish goals? In fact, God wants all His children to be FAT--spiritually speaking.

Here's how to gain spiritual weight:

F--Be Faithful to do all that God tells you to do.

A--Be Available for His use.

T--Be teachable.

Being faithful to God means holding on to Him when Life's problems are pressing in. You probably would rather run and hide. What if God is transforming you into a stronger person through those trials? Would you still want to run? Being available to God means allowing Him to heal the hidden things deep within your heart--disappointments, hurts, and failings. This will free you to help others, and you will replace old habits with good ones by seeking God's plan for you life. Being teachable means never skimping on your daily nourishment from the Bible. Feed your spirit on God's Word every day, and you won't feel spiritually hungry or deprived.

Go Ahead--get FAT with God!"

(This comes from the book called "Quiet Moments with God--Devotional" published by Honor Books in 2001 in Tulsa Oklahoma)

WOW is this not perfect for me now, for others struggling now too? for those of you that don't know I am going through a divorce, any divorce is not easy, I am struggling emotionally with this and have a lot of things hidden deep in my heart that God and I need to deal with, little by little I'm allowing forgiveness to reign in my heart instead of bitterness, but it is a hard process...it is so much easier to stay mad, but I've realized that staying mad is actually hurting me more than those whom I'm mad at. So my prayer for myself through this process of trying to become healthy mentally, physically, and spiritually is to have forgiveness reign totally in my heart.

I hope you all enjoy this, find things deep with in your heart and try to allow yourselves to become FAT with God!...