98 days

"98 days of seminary left, 98 days of seminary, take one down, think it around, 98 days of seminary left" So 98 days...One of my favorite places on SPST campus is the coffee house/study area, I think I spent most of my 3rd year there, AND I think I've written about 75% of my papers sitting there. I have many fond memories of paper writing 'parties' that lasted long into the night with my friends and colleagues. As well as goof off times that have allowed me to keep my sanity. The picture below is a bit of goofing off and a bit of serious-ness...

I have been blessed to live near SPST, unlike a lot of students that travel hours to come to class, so I also have memories of sitting there in the silence between semesters, silence that was needed and restful. The coffee that they brew at Holy Grounds coffee house comes from The Roasterie Cafe in Kansas City. I think once I graduate I may need to purchase some to make at home, its soo good!

98 days seems soo small, but Ive got about 14 major papers left to write and probably at the least 1000 pages to read before then. But like Ive told myself since I started this journey, take it one day at a time... in 98 days my life will change, SPST will change, KC will change, Church of the Resurrection will change, lots will change... Today, this day, is all that we are guaranteed, tell the people you care for that you love them and be thankful. Thanks for reading, tomorrow I will blog about Rogers Hall. ~Bec

You can do anything for 99 days right?

"99 days of seminary left, 99 days of seminary, take one down, pass it around (I kind of like think it around), 99 days of seminary left"... So guess what?! There are 99 days until May 17th 2013. 99 days until I walk across the stage at my MDiv Graduation, 99 days until i'm done with school, 99 day... 99 days. Thats all. So I had a thought maybe for the next 99 days I will blog about my time at SPST First if you are not from the KC area and have some how missed all the newspaper articles and news headlines surrounding the school, you should know that A LOT has changed and is changing on this campus, and at the end of this semester the school is closing its doors on the KC Campus and moving to Leawood KS, on the Church of the Resurrection campus. There have been a lot of hype about this: people who are mad, people who are happy, people who dont understand, there are a lot of feelings surrounding this move. If I am honest with myself, at first I was mad. I'm not a huge fan of mega-churches and the "monopoly" they tend to have, but I am a huge fan of Saint Paul School of Theology its my school, my seminary. Have they made some bad decisions about the move to Leawood? yes. Some of those decisions meant I had to say goodbye to some of the best people that I'm proud to call my friends. Some of those decisions made me question the ethics of the leadership at SPST. What it boils down to is that I am grateful to my seminary for the theological education and for the personal, spiritual education I've received and regardless of where that seminary is located I believe they will continue to educate leaders and provide experiences for students to grow individually, spiritually and theologically. Even though there has been pain regarding this move as a Christian aren't I supposed to 'turn the other cheek' and continue to pray for and love my enemies? SPST is my seminary, and Im grateful for my education, and I hope that by supporting them through this mess, the new incoming students will see that, find 'community' and maybe pass on that loyalty and that community to the next round of new students. SO For the next 99 days will be blogging about my time, that 'sacred space' on the KC campus.

Today is the Chapel. This may actually make more than one day on this journey. Kresge chapel, I've cried, laughed, prayed, sang, preached, read scripture, shared my story, sat in silence, and reflected in that space. I remember 3 years ago sitting in the first worship service of the spring semester before my divorce was final. I cried a lot that semester. I was probably at the weakest point in my life, I didn't know if I could make it through. I didn't know how I was going to provide for my son, but somewhere I had to come up with the strength to keep going, AND finalize my divorce. Yet, with a combination of my family, prayers, chapel services, friends, and most importantly GOD I made it through, I found the strength, and I finalized my divorce. I remember feeling weak emotionally but going to chapel service in that building because I knew I would meet God there, sometimes meeting God, even if it is just in a 30 sec prayer or a hymn that lasts 2 minutes, is all the strength you need to make it through the day. I'm grateful for my experiences in that Chapel. SPST is my seminary, and it always will be. A lot will change even in the next 99 days. So for the next 99 days I will continue on this journey of blogging about my time at SPST, You can do anything for 99 days right? I look forward to tomorrow when I will blog about the Holy Grounds coffee house on campus. ~Bec

5 years

5 years! I cannot believe its been 5 years! 5 years ago I got up the guts to leave my emotionally abusive ex husband. I called my little sister and mother and they helped me get from Dallas to KC, one of the hardest, yet best things I have done in my life. (besides giving birth to my son) I will forever be grateful to all of my family for helping me and N get through all the transitions and become whole again. A lot has changed in 5 years. I am one semester away from graduating from seminary. Ive been appointed in a church for 2 years now. I feel like I have reclaimed a lot of my identity as a woman and as a Child of God, which is amazing! However I did realize recently that some of my emotions and feelings (especially being single for 5 years now) are still tied to what my ex-husband thought of me, or how he treated me. I am still bound to these images and feelings and I am sick and tired of it. Then there is my weight, which is tied to my emotions. So this is my next 5 year goal. Become 100% liberated from any residual ex-husband ex-marriage junk. also in the next 5 years I want to --loose 100lbs. --Become Ordained --Learn and excel at espanol --Learn to play guitar and maybe I should say blog regularly. I'm still working on that one. To all those women out there (and men) who are surviving in emotional or physical abusive relationships. There is help, it is okay for you to stand up for yourself, and you can get out! I can't wait for the next 5 years, I promise to try and blog a bit more :-) ~Bec

still kickin

Hello all! So its been about 6 weeks since my last post. And I have lost the most weight these past 6 weeks than I have all year jan 2012--now. !! I am 17 pounds total weight loss since Jan 2012. how? 2 things have changed in the last 6 weeks. First I started taking a multi-vitamin. 2nd I got sick with gallstones and ended up in the ER. The Doc said to drastically change my diet to avoid surgery and further gall bladdar attacks. SO that is what I did. I have not had fast food, coffee, soda, or fried food in 6 weeks! I am eating SO much more salad and vegetables,canned, frozen, and fresh! My new favorite exploration is beets, I can eat an entire can of beets all to myself! I really thought I would miss drinking soda but I dont really miss it, I have taken up a LOVE of TEA all sorts of TEA, and water. I even LOST weight on Thanksgiving week, never in my life have I ever lost weight during the week of thanksgiving! I feel great! I am still going after my goal of being under 300lbs before graduation so I still have about 20lbs to go. I really think I can do this!! thats all for now! ~Bec

6 months

wow its been 6 months since my last post... 6 months... and Im still fat! of ALL the things I have been through in my life, including 27 hours of labor, divorce, single motherhood, almost 4 years of graduate school, and various mountain tops and valley's in my career, weight loss, substantial, sustaining weight loss is the absolute most hardest thing to get a grasp on. I don't have an answer. I mean people say "all you have to do is diet and exercise" diet I can handle, don't eat the breads, candy, soda's etc, its hard but I can do it (and for the most part am). Exercise thats a whole new story. Do you know how expensive it is to join a gym that has childcare? too much to even think about. OK so work out at your apartment complex or at school where there is a free gym, I've tried that. it doesn't work. I barely meet all of my homework, work, and household requirements and still get 6 hours of sleep a night, adding 30min-1hour in the gym everyday is impossible, literally impossible. Taking my wild child to the apartment complex gym or the gym at my school never works because I'm constantly telling him to stop climbing on the machines, or he is driving someone else crazy. There are no easy solutions. And so I remain stuck, and fat. Now I guess the piece of good news out of all of this is that I'm not gaining weight. so the "diet" or the more healthy I have started eating in the past year or so has at the least allowed me to remain the same weight. Part of me wishes there was a magic pill that would help me lose weight, but another part of me says this struggle just like all the others struggles in my life will develop my character and testimony. for now graduation is 7 months away. 30 weeks. If I can lose 1 pound a week for the next 30 weeks I will be "Pre-divorce" weight. lets see if it works... ~still fat~

weight loss

OK folks. I joined weight watchers. It has been 2.5 weeks and I have lost 8 pounds! I feel awesome! I recommend weight watchers, don't know what they do that's so different than counting calories but it seems to be working. I will do weight watchers until my subscription ends in three months (2.5 months) then hope I can maintain those habits w/out a subscription. I have a friend that is doing slim4life and she's lost 20 lbs in 2 months, maybe I'll look into that after weight watchers, but I hear its a lot of $$. Something I Don't have!

I'm also back to working out. I bought this walk at home DVD that even N likes to do with me, and when I can,I squeeze in a workout on the machines at school. I also plan on walking to drop off/pick up my son from school once it stops raining.

I have a recurring dream that I'm back at my goal weight (which is pre-seminary, pre-baby, pre-exhusband...)

That's all I can think of for now. I'm on spring break and I'm loving the relaxed schedule. Besides catching up on reading my goal is to catch up on ALL the laundry and pack away winter clothes. I'M SO EXCITED FOR SPRING!!

Blessings ya'll!

~Bec

OH MY!

I can NOT believe its been OVER a month since I last posted. I'm sure you are wondering WHAT HAPPENED to her?

Well folks I've YO-YO'd up 5 down 5 up 5 down 5 up 5 down 5. I have extreme bad weeks and extreme good weeks, but still have not lost more than 5 pounds WHAT DO I DO? I have NO idea!

I have tried SO HARD to incorporate healthy eating into my daily life style, but when I'm having a bad week, I cannot stay away from the fast food places therefore adding the 5 lost pounds back. This week that is about to end has been an extremely bad week and I'm a little depressed in myself.

I have stocked my cabinets with healthy granola bars that are high in protein and low in calories, but when I'm having a bad day, or an exhausted kind of day (like today) that is the last darn thing I want to eat! I want something comforting, mashed potatoes, fried anything, and of course a nice cool refreshing soda!

SO MY QUESTION to YOU healthy people out there. HOW can I change my mind or taste buds so when I'm feeling tired or stressed or overwhelmed I can still grab something healthy to eat that tastes good? to fulfill the hunger stab.

OR HOW CAN I GET AWAY FROM STRESS EATING?? Like I said in my last post I am addicted to food. When I feel sad, or mad, or angry, or happy, I eat something that tastes amazing and when I do this I feel better, this then wears off in a bout an hour and I might look for something else to keep that feeling going...much like an alcoholic. except with food addiction it is almost more severe because the "food/sugar high" can wear off in as quickly as 30 min, causing more sweets to enter the mouth. SO how do I STOP this addiction? I'm sorry but I really do not think a fad diet will work. It's almost like I need rehab, but do those exist for food addicts? I do not have time right now anyway. I am SO close to finishing school, in the back of my head I keep thinking loosing weight will be easier when I do not have so much on my plate (pun not intended, but still funny), but then I think if I don't do this now it will never happen. The fatter and older I get the harder it is for my body to move. This week has been a bad food week and I can feel that in my body, I hurt more, I have more indigestion, and irregularity when I eat bad foods, when I do not exercise I do not sleep as well, so when i'm being bad, I can literally feel it in my body and I hate it.

Speaking of exercise, I try hard to do at least 30 min a day. I try to park far away from wherever I'm going and walk more. This week I have done no exercising at all. I have found a wonderful walk at home video that even Nate likes to do with me sometimes. I love it and it takes about 45min--1hour to do the whole thing I did this 3 times two weeks ago and felt amazing! I wish I had the energy to keep this up!

I'm frustrated with my journey and totally feel like giving up. I told my friends I would try weight watchers, maybe that will help. I don't know. I really do not know what to do. Why is loosing weight harder than gaining weight?

~struggling and still fat~



UPDATE: I have found that my eating when I'm studying or writing late on the computer at night has changed, which is good. I do the carbonated water and gum option, so I'm still getting the carbonation that I crave and a little bit of sweetness and chewing motion from the chewing gum.