Christmas Time

Well
it has arrived, almost...Christmas is almost here. 4 more days. Nate has been getting more and more excited each day. Nate and I will be spending Christmas eve at my dads house so my dad and step mom can watch him open his presents. I cannot wait to see his face.

I have also been so reflective lately tho. I keep thinking about the families of the friends of mine who have died. This will be their first Christmas w/out they're child, because they buried them. I cannot imagine the pain these families will be facing as most of us are excited and happy to be receiving presents, these families will be grieving and maybe not evening celebrating Christmas at all. I cannot imagine having to bury your child, then turn around a week or a few days later and celebrate anything. As a pastor in training I'm not even sure what to say to these families. Every holiday will be different, nothing will be the same. Grief during the Holiday season. Is there a class in seminary for that????????

I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me this holiday season. Allowing me to give Nate a really nice Christmas!! I praise God for this. and I yearn to God and call out to God to help the hurt of those that are deeply hurt this season.

when it is all said and done with December 25th will come and go it is just another ordinary day of the year. I hope that we all can take some time, and think about those who are not so joyous this time of year due to recent death and say a prayer or offer a hug or whatever, to ease the pain.

and remember... Emmanuel: God IS With Us

I'll be posting pics of Nate's Christmas soon.

Lindz

Today December 11th I went to a funeral of a dear friend. I lived with her in college. The funeral was beautiful! She was 25 and lost her 2nd battle with brain cancer. You can read her story here: Lindsey

I cried a lot today. I've cried a lot since I learned that she died. During the service the microphone was open to the audience for us to share memories of Lindsey. I was too weepy to get up and say anything and also felt that maybe the people that knew her longer or better should have their time. However I cannot stop thinking about what Lindsey means to me, so I'm posting this story to help with my grieving and to share my story about Lindsey with others.

I lived with Lindsey Summer 2005-December 2005 a very short time, but a very wonderful time. We lived together with others, at the Wesley House the United Methodist Campus Ministry at University of Central Missouri (you can find them on facebook here) I was a Senior, Lindsey was in her first maybe 2nd year at UCM she was just a baby! We did a lot of small events together for the Wesley house. Lindsey was SO strong in her faith that it was inspiring to ALL of us there. I was dating a guy at the time I was living there, and knew I was going to marry him. Lindsey shared with me the joys of boys and the sorrows they can bring too... One evening I had just gotten off the phone with my boyfriend and he told me that he had cheated on me, I was devastated, crying, and just heart broken. I remember Lindsey came to me, wiped the hair out of my face, wiped my tears and said "uh shoot man,Bec, im sorry, but come on, you are beautiful, you do not deserve him, you deserve so much better" then she hugged me, and said "I will beat him up if you want me to", we giggled.
I graduated that December, moved to TX, and married that man. That man, did it again, he cheated on me and broke my heart again. I left him and moved back to the Kansas City area. shortly after I moved back was when I learned Lindsey was re-diagnosed with brain cancer. This past year or so of going through the divorce process and child support process, I was motivated by Lindsey's love, and faith, and I keep remembering what she said "you are beautiful, you deserve better" Lindsey's words have been one of the many motivating and inspiring forces behind the healing from my divorce. I am SO grateful!!
It hurts that she is gone. and Yes Lindsey please when you meet my ex husband feel free to beat him up! lol! I know that Lindsey is in a better place and that I am so incredibly blessed to of had her in my life. I love ya Lindz!!

Holidays/Advent

Well goodness gracious! It is hard to believe that it has been 2 months since I last posted! School takes up a lot of my time. Sometimes I thought "oh I should post a blog" but I just couldn't sit behind my computer any longer. Now I find myself tired but unable to fall asleep, so I'm updating you all, whomever you are.
Tomorrow 11/28/10 Is the first Sunday in Advent... I usually love Advent and try my best to keep the holidays centered around Jesus. I have mixed feelings about this Advent Season... 3 reasons:

1st its still weird! Even thought this is the 2nd holiday season since I've been a single mom I still feel bad, lonely, sad, and weird about my Son (N) not seeing his father, and about me being divorced, when I got married I was so ready to plan my own traditions and such, now I'm back with family and am struggling to find our own (just me and N) again.



2nd: I am being laid off from the church where I have worked for the past year. See the funny thing about working in the Church business is that you kind of get attached to people, the order, and the place! I realize the church is going though a tough financial situation and I have no hard feelings for them laying me off, but gosh darn it I'm gonna miss those people! I have learned SO much from serving them, and will use my skills wherever I go, however, because of my current financial situation I have to look for work, and cannot stay and volunteer my time. I pray God will send me another job quickly! This makes me have mixed emotions for the Advent Season because, Advent is the Beginning of the Christian Year, and for me I always attempt to have a strong, close, relational time with God during Advent to give me a fresh start, a clean slate. For me its kind of like New Years Resolutions, only in November/December... SO the fact that I'm getting laid off and that I, more than likely, will not be at this church past the Advent Season it makes it hard to even want to start the Advent season with them.




3rd: The Happy Part about all of this is that ITS ADVENT TIME. Time to understand in a new and fresh way that JESUS WAS BORN A HUMAN INTO THIS WORLD, ALL BECAUSE OF L O V E!! I love Advent, I love Mary and Joseph's story, I love Baby Jesus, I love the decorations, the candles, the food, the music, the lights, the family, AND MOST OF ALL THE L O V E!! I hope that God can pierce through this tough time that I am in and make this Advent season real, true, and meaningful for me and N.

Speaking of N... I'm a little worried, I hope its just a phase, but He is not sleeping well at all. He takes a good 1 hour or longer to fall asleep. He keeps saying he's scared of monsters, and he jumps at every little noise. Then when he finally does fall asleep he wakes up about every 2 hours crying and wanting mommy. I try hard to keep him out of my bed, because he's old enough to sleep on his own. I just am not sure where all of this I'm scared business came from! I wonder if he has nightmares? I wonder if he has the same nightmare and thats why he doesn't like to fall asleep? I posted this on Facebook a few nights ago and got some great advice from other mothers, I'm going to try their remedy's one by one, hopefully by then we'll be over this phase! Right now he is asleep on his mattress at the foot of my bed, and the hallway light is on... I feel bad that he doesn't feel safe, and we are both tired of not sleeping through the night!




So if you think of it, pray for mommy and N that we find a new job, and that we sleep through the night again!

HAPPY ADVENT!!

~B

Update!

Well a whole lot has happened since I last posted about a month ago!!!

This shall be a short explaination of what all happened...

First things first, the Divorce was finalized and child support was set in motion!

This included me driving 9 hours down to Dallas and then a 12 hour drive back (with a long overnight "nap" after 8hours) back to KC. I cried a lot, I screamed a lot, I prayed a lot. Even though both of us signed and agreed to the divorce decree months ago (back in may) One of us had to appear in court, for whatever reason my ex decided he wasn't going to appear as the court wanted him to, so I had to make the drive. No big deal IT IS OVER! I am moving on and I FEEL SO FREE!! this really helped me getting out of my PIT!! (see previous blogs for explaination:This drive also allowed me to listen to the rest of my book "get out of that Pit" by Beth Moore! How wonderful that book really is to people who are just stuck in a rut) OH and I changed my name back to my maiden name Rebecca Mulford!!

Second: Classes started for the fall sememster at St. Paul School of Theology! I am taking 9 credit hours: Preaching, Worship, and Process Theology. Lots of reading and paper writing!! So far the classes are great and I love my professors...ask me again come december and you might have a different story! lol!



and Finally:
Nate and I celebrated our birthdays!! Nate turned 3 on the 18th! and I turned 28 on the 21st! I threw a party at my place for Nate and I celebrated my day by attending class and doing homework WHOOP!




And thats about all for now! Hopefully I'll get the chance to post again before another month passes...only time will tell!! Now I must jet off to class!!

PEACE
~B

MAKE SOME NOISE

MAKE SOME NOISE!

This is Beth Moore's steps to get out of a pit. She has 3 ways to get out of a pit. Before I get to the three steps she says that we as Christians have tried to get out of pits for a long time, however we tend to not go all the way. We as Christians know that we have sins that we need to confess and most of us are a complete different person Mon-Sat than we are on Sunday. She also said that until we get some real help, then there is no hope for us. No matter how many times we go to the alter and ask for God's forgiveness and cry and weep and feel bad about ourselves we won't get out of our pits, until we tap into HIS ultimate power.


3 steps out of the pit: they all start with our mouth (hint the title 'make some noise')
1. Cry out: Psalm 40 (read it on your own right now...biblegateway) the pit dewllers deliverance begins with a cry...not just tears..."nothing weeps more copiously than a chunk of ice". We can cry our eyes out over the pain of our situation and still refuse to change.

IT ALL BEGINS WITH A CRY FROM THE DEEPEST PART OF YOUR SOUL aiming your cry toward heaven! No random ear will do, CRY towards GOD who CAN change all things...God has countless time heard the cry of his people. Psalm 72:12, Psalm 106:44-45, Psalm 9:9-12, Psalm 116:1-2, Psalm 3:4... the process starts with OUR CRY! (yes go and read each and every one of those examples they bring hope!)

You can cry out loud and demonstratively or you can do it laying on the ground making no sound at all except for groans that only the Holy Spirit can decipher. However you do it, just do it, and mean it, if you don't have it, if your mouth is too dry from the pain ask God to give you what it takes to cry out to the One and Only God that can deliver you.

CRY OUT TO GOD!! AND CONTINUE TO CRY OUT TO HIM day in and day out CRY OUT TO HIM!

Steps two and three will have to wait until tomorrow because I need to go home and do some crying out! Step two is confess and step three is consent... I'll dig into those tomorrow.

MAKE SOME NOISE TO GOD THE TRUE DELIVERER!!

Fell Off

OUCH!
I FEEL OFF MY 40 DAY PUSH!

ugh I got off track! I can't believe its been 6 days since I've read a piece of my book or even thought about blogging!

The sad thing is that my life right now is not as near as stressful as it was a few weeks ago! OH MAN! I hate to see what happens when school starts back up again.

Well gotta dust myself off and bounce back!

2 weeks...2 weeks from today school starts...I've got 2 weeks 14 days to get a system in place and stick to it! I cannot afford financially, emotionally or spiritually to keep going like I have...I NEED MORE ORDER!!

ON the upside tho, I did start reading for this upcoming semester! I have to say that I am quite intrigued with my classes this semester... I have Intro to Preaching...Intro to Worship and Process Theology... I'm especially looking forward to the Process Theology class, not only do I like to Prof but its got some good stuff!!

Well hopefully I can get a chance to read the next chapter today...who knows today might be a 2 blog kinda day.

~B

Get out of that Pit day 11

GET OUT OF THAT PIT

Chapter 5: You can't get out alone, but you can get out!! The trouble comes when we seek a human deliverer instead of a supernatural deliverer. A human may be able to help us get out for a bit, but not forever. God may have raised up great human leaders like Moses and Joseph, however the nation eventually still defaulted to its old pattern. For example the Old Testament is full of stories about how Israel always went back and did things that were not good in God's eyes even after they had guidance from a Godly leader. I have had a few great leaders too! I still feel deeply grateful for their life advice and love that they have showed me, but they are not God. I cannot depend on human will to get me out of these pits. People simply can't be divine! People can help us but that can't heal us, people can lift us but they can't carry us. Nor can they set our feet upon a rock. When we come out of a pit if we think we are stable on the human shoulders we will stumble and fall sometimes deeper than before.

PIT DWELLING IS A STATE OF MIND!!!

Only God can hang with us through the length and depth of our need, ONLY God can hang with us through the length and depth of our bologna! Not only is God omniscient but his word is sharper than a double edge sword cutting through our bologna! Knowing all we feel, all we are, all we know and all we hide God overflows with love and willingness to deliver us! Isaiah 30 says...the Lord LONGS to be gracious to you he rises to show you compassion!!

TRUE DELIVERY TAKES TIME and some TITANIC EFFORT and more patience than the best of people posses. I need a strong arm and a LONG arm. 2 Corinthians 1:10 HE HAS DELIVERED US, HE WILL DELIVER US ON HIM WE HAVE SET OUR HOPE THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO DELIVER US!

THAT IS MY LIFETIME WARRANTY! YES JESUS!!

I PARAPHRASED MOST of what I just wrote from her book. Lord Jesus KNOWS that I needed to hear it all! It makes me feel SO good to know that GOD LONGS TO BE GRACIOUS TO ME AND TO SHOW ME COMPASSION!!

GOD this emotional pit that I have been in during my last marriage and even know that I am out of that marriage, I need help! I need for you God to remind me of who I am in You!! This pit of laziness, procrastination and un-organization God, I need your help! I don't know how to do it all, I need God for you to give me some HOLY energy and guidance!! This pit of unhealthy eating God I need you! I need you to take control over the eating desires in my mind and body and allow me to give you control over what I like most...food! God I need you!! I need you, I cannot do it without you!!! Thank You Jesus ~Amen~

Get OUT of that Pit day 9

Okay so I haven't posted in a week, but I have been keeping up with my 40 day push to get out of this pit. I think I've realized that I'm in two pits at one time. I'm in an emotional pit one that has allowed me to accept wrong images of me from other people, instead of living in the joy and image of my Creator. The other is a pit of laziness, un-organization, and procrastination. This pit is the pit that has spilled over into my jobs and have created the desire to seek God with all that I have to get out! I hate letting people down on the job, especially when I know the job is something that I want and like to do. This pit is also the pit that requires the most amount of labor! My House was a mess! I mean a disaster! Piles of dirty laundry covering my hallway, piles of clean laundry covering my couches. Dirty dishes, and overflowing trashcans. I spent 3 entire days cleaning, and doing laundry. I have a clean house now!!! I am out of that dirty pit that I was living in...however now the rest of the work comes into play I MUST get more organized and disciplined so I don't slip back into that pit! How do I get more organized and disciplined, I have no idea, other than to just do it. As I do this I'm attempting to get Nate into the habit of picking up after himself. I hope it catches on soon. I feel full of hope that I can get organized and disciplined, I just need to stick with it! Ask me next week how I'm doing...!!

I just finished chapter 3 it seemed to be long...I'm about to read chapter 4. The title of Chapter 4 is "Get out of that Pit" not very original but I hope to receive a word of encouragement.

I'll post again tomorrow!!

~BecK~

Pit Dwelling Day 2

Pit Dwelling

In day two of the book, I read about two things, one was that sometimes we can take our pits with us wherever we go. She used the example of a family who lived in their mobile home for years, all of them just slept, ate, showered, etc, in there small mobile home. One day a home with a room for each child a spacious kitchen, and more yard space than they needed was given to them, and instead of getting out of their mobile home and moving into their new home, they just drove their mobile home right straight into the living room taking out a few walls on the way. All of their cramped living spaces, and mobile home smells came into their new home just as fast as they did, and became a permanent fixture in their living room! What a mental picture! This is SO true for me! I didn't really understand it until I read this...a quote from her journal (pg 9).

"No matter where we go, a pit can always fit. On any path we can spin our wheels and throw mud until we dig a ditch right into the middle of an otherwise decent job or relationship. Soon our hearts sink with the dismal realization that we're no better off in our new situation. The scenery around us may have changed, but we're still living in that same old pit. We start scrambling to figure out how we're going to dump an unpleasant person or position when the real solution may be to dump that pit we dragged in."

Everywhere I've been, and every relationship I have been in I think that Ive brought bitterness and un-forgiveness, and dis-order, with me. These items coming from way back as far as my childhood. And it means that Ive got some forgiveness to do, and some bitterness to let go of! It also means that I have to work at bringing order to my house, and by that I mean stop thinking i'm a college student and start acting like I'm an adult, my house won't clean its self, my trash won't go out its self, and my laundry will only pile up unless I bite the bullet and just do it! I feel that once I get some order to my house then I will feel less stressed and that will lead to less depression, and less chaos! WHOA! Thats a lot, but now I see it!!!!! and BOY do I WANT OUT OF THIS PIT!!!


The second thing I learned was about the three different ways you can get into a pit, 1. you can get thrown in, meaning something tragic can place you in a pit even when you didn't cause it. 2. you can slip into a pit, you can walk that fine line and just one day find yourself slipping into the pit. and 3. you can jump into the pit, you can chose to jump into a pit, not sure how all of those happen, but I do know that I think I've been a victim to all three ways of being in a pit. Yea I said it, I think i've been thrown in, slipped in, and jumped into a pit at one point and time in my life. Does that mean I like it? NO! Does that mean I want to do it again? NO! Does that mean that I got comfortable in my pit(s)? Probably...

I cannot wait to read more about how to get out of my pit and how I can keep myself from getting into future pits. Until then I will continue to work on getting my life less chaotic and more under control and clean!

~Beck~

GET OUT of that PIT: DAY ONE

SO I'm ready for a new thing! This summer has been not what I expected it to be at all. I decided I could work 2 ministry jobs, and still take care of my two year old son, my apartment, and myself. The end result...I ended the summer feeling like I did a bad job at both jobs, I have a horribly messy and chaotic apartment, and a still crazy 2yr old(which is expected...i guess). I was depressed because I hate that feeling, you know getting the job done but not getting it done with the fullness of your gifts and talents...that feeling of dang if I could re-do that I'd do it so much better. I found myself deep in a pit, one I think I've been in before...
As I prayed and cried, and sought forgiveness from people I put off or hurt while I was so chaotically busy this summer, or from doing a lame job at my places of employment, I looked on my bookshelves and found a devotional journal from my wonderful father that he gave me for mothers day this year entitled "Get out of that Pit" by Beth Moore. Beth Moore is an awesome bible study teacher and preacher. I've done one of her bible studies before and it was amazing!

Well now that August is here, and I know I'm ready to re-gain all that I allowed the enemy to steal from me. I'm ready to get out of this pit that I've been in for only God knows how long. It is hard for me to admit that Ive been in a pit, but now that Ive realized it, it feels good to know there is an answer and a way out!
This devotional journal goes a long with a book that Beth Moore wrote also entitled Get out of that Pit, (which I amazingly realized I had bought for myself for Easter and didn't realize the journal and book went together until God opened my eyes to see them...) the journal is a 40 day process of assessing your pit, learning how to get out of it, and learning how to not re-enter that same pit or a different one. I am ready to read this book, and do the journal activities and ready to live a life pit free! I will journal on here everyday an insight or something Ive gained in my 40 days.

Today is Day 1: I learned I am in a pit. I learned what a pit is, I am paraphrasing what Beth Moore said in Chpt 1: A pit is when you feel stuck, trapped, you can't get out, it is an early grave Satan has dug for you in hopes to bury you alive, but he cannot make you stay. A pit is when you have lost your vision and you cannot stand up to your enemy. In her description of a pit she doesn't say that it is a pit of sin, she says that sinful people and saints can find themselves in a pit. I learned that through prayer, scripture, and journaling I can only through God's grace and help can I get out of this pit.

39 days left! I hope you'll join me on this journey and I hope that through this journey God might speak to you as well.

hair!

SO I have tried so many ways since Ive had Nate to have an "easy" hair do so its a quick fix and it still looks good...I haven't found one yet... if its too short I think my face looks fat, if its got too many layers my hair flies in all sorts of directions and if there are no layers my hair looks boring! Heres the most recent pic I took of myself on my phone...not bad but this look took me like 20 min. SO if you have any suggestions let me know!

religion, friends, family FUN!

I had a great 4th of July weekend! I caught a little cold, and I think i'm on the back end of that now thank God!

Today I caught up with a friend of mine from 1999, WOW 11 years ago was when we first met. We were both staff at Camp Prairie Schooner in KC MO. We worked together for about 4 years, every summer. We always had a good time, we learned a lot, we played hard, and grew close. She is Muslim. I am Christian. I never thought about that large difference too much. I respected her for the great job she did as a Girl Scout Camp Leader. I respected and still respect her for who she is as a Muslim.

I remember asking her a lot of questions as we worked together about her religion, but I never thought any differently about her. I enjoyed her friendship and I have enjoyed being mothers together, although we rarely see each other we catch up on Facebook!

September 11th 2001 changed all of that, not for me, but for what seems like everyone else!

As I enjoyed catching up with her, meeting her two beautiful daughters, and just enjoying playing with all the kids today, (we went to Paradise Park in Lees Summit) I realized that people looked at her differently for who she was, she was just being a mom. Although I didn't notice it, I bet, people looked at me a bit differently today too because we were together, she obviously Muslim from her dress, me, obviously not because of my dress, but we were chatting, and laughing and playing with our kids together, just like everyone else there, I did not, and do not discriminate against anybody who is different than myself, and I enjoy every opportunity I get to learn about others and their religion and life styles. I can only imagine how she gets looked at and talked about today and any day. I think its horrible how we can do that to people. People, who have hearts, and feelings, and families just like ours.

I love my friend, and I love that my Son had the opportunity to experience with someone from a different religion. I love that I got to meet two beautiful little girls who have a beautiful strong mom. When it all comes down to it, we are all God's beloved creation, and we should treat each other that way, all the time!

Here is a pic of all of us together! All of our kiddos including my niece are so little that they may not remember this, but, I hope we can continue to play together as Gods creation!!

IT WORKED!!

YAY I IMPORTED MY OLD BLOG TO HERE....yes the web address changed a bit... i'll update all of you here shortly...

Summer has been good to us, we are BUSY but we are having FUN!!

here's the latest pic of Me and Nate...

trying a NEW thing...

IM TRYING TO IMPORT MY OLD BLOG TO HERE... lets hope this works...

Pre-DETOX

Okay SO i'm writing this the night before I start my 7-day detox. Part of this transitions lifestyle "diet" program is to detox your body from all the chemicals that consume through processed foods, coffee, etc...so for the next 7 days I will be drinking only water, eating 3 servings of fruit/day and eating as many vegetables that I want. No coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk/dairy products, nothing but fruits and vegetables. THIS is the HARD part for me. I rely on food to give me energy throughout my day and for the next 7 days all I have to rely on is vegetables...yikes.

I'm also going to add things to my water that are supposed to help with the detox, one is i'll be drinking hot lemon water first thing every morning (this is supposed to kick-start your metabolism), then then i'll be drinking "aloe-vera water which is supposed to help with the bloating that we all have, finally i'll be drinking "sassy water" which is lemons and cucumbers sliced up in water...not sure how all of these taste, but I'm up for an adventure especially if i'll feel better in the end.

SO here is a BEFORE picture...stay tuned for an AFTER picture...





i'm ready to be healthier for Nate, for Me, for my fruitfulness as a minister, all in the Name of Jesus my Savior.

BIG momma

OKAY so those of you that have recently started reading my blog, I'm guessing that you are wondering why it is titled 'big momma' well...it is simple...I am a BIG momma, I have tried several diets, I have tried working out, I have started using sugar free and fat free substitutes in everything I can. I still have not been successful in any major weight loss.

SO I started writing this blog to keep myself accountable and to kind of just write my struggles and triumphs on attempting to be a healthier individual, not just healthier by loosing weight but healthier spiritually, emotionally, and physically...this will be a life long goal, with short term goals in between...(the blog has also just kind of turned into a personal blog, with different stories in my journey of being a single mom).

SO I've got a small support group a couple of close friends who are supporting me in my weight loss journey and I've decided to do this program called Transitions Life Style. It is a 12 week program that starts with a 7-day detox, and then teaches one how to cook and eat healthier and teaches one what happens to your body as you consume certain kinds of food. I have always looked for the easy way out in my weight loss journey, and this is not an easy way out, this will probably be one of the hardest things I will do because I LOVE food SO much!

SO here goes all my weight, all my poor self esteem, all my fatigue and indigestion...HERE is to NEW me, I'm doing this for me, I'm doing this for Nate and I'm doing it all in Jesus' Holy and Awesome Name!

Despair and Sacrifice in the Lenten Season

So as I continue down my Lenten journey, I feel like I have connected with God, and I continue to seek yet a deeper connection. God has shown me 2 instances of despair and sacrifice that normally I wouldn't of thought much of, but sense I have been trying to be more receptive to what God has for me, I believe He has revealed these stories to me...

The first one was a few days ago, I went to a restaraunt for breakfast and to get some studying done. I asked the waitress to sit me back where it was fairly quiet, that didn't last long, as a large family piled in right next to my table. As I was slightly distracted by the family setteling into their table I overheard a little old man telling the waitress that they were all gathering to honor his grandson with a meal because he was returning over seas to fulfill his duty to the marine corps today. The first thought that came into my mind, was wow, what a sacrifice, what a great sacrifice for lent, how brave of that man, how scary for that family, how scary for me, this man, younger than me was sacrificing the possibility of his life for not only me but for possibly all of our lives and for his country, how humbling is that?! and I sit here and reflect on my piddly sacrifices...




This picture is not very clear, but it begings my second story of Lenten despair. It was taken from my car while I was sitting at a stoplight, I was in between Kansas City and Independence. This man was dressed well, ironed clothes, decent shoes, a coat and a hat, he obviously spent some money on creating a sturdy sign that said that he was seeking employment and it gave his phone number. I am not sure how he lost his old job, or what lead him to standing on the street corner begging for employment. I have been in that spot, I was laid off shortly before Christmas 2008 and spent a while with out a job, but I never was so desperate as to stand on the street corner to ask for a job, I was blessed with a job, in fact I have had 4 jobs since I lost my job, and am what I consider myself extraordinarily blessed... I cannot imagine the despair this man is going through, how close he and or his family is to being homeless, food-less, electricity-less, etc... How brave, how scary, how humbling...

so as I wrap up these sacrifice and despair stories, my question is, What does God have planned for them? Why did God bring me these two instances? I find myself still asking...what does God has for me?, do I need to make a larger sacrifice?, do I need to humble myself into despair?? what oh God do you have for me?

Lent

So I find myself writing this during the season of Lent.

Lent is the 40 days (not including Sundays) before Easter.

there are 35 days left. Usually preachers preach that you need to give something bad and take on something good during lent. So that we can grow closer to God.

when I was young, I gave up cursing in my language, it worked, I don't curse near as much as I used to, and I am more sensitive to those words now.

I've given up meat, it didn't last... I've given up Red Meat one year and that stuck for about 3 years, i'm eating red meat occasionally now...I've given up soda pop, I've given up chocolate, I've given up all candy, I've tried giving up a lot of things, they didn't really work as I really enjoy eating sweets and drinking pop. so really why do preachers still preach giving up something for lent?

What is the purpose for lent? I asked on my facebook page today "in one word how would describe the season of lent?"

I've gotten these responses so far:

-Struggle
-Reconnecting
-Seeking
-Re-habiting
-Revival

the thoughts and prayers that I keep repeating to myself sense last week's Ash Wednesday service is those of repentance and seeking forgiveness, and I find myself constantly asking myself what is it that God wants me to get out of these "special" 40 days before Easter?? How can I hear You different, how can I feel You different, how can I understand You differently, how oh God can I be used by you differently, or better?? What oh God do you have for me, I am merely a sinner, I am trying to understand You, and understand this calling you've placed on my heart, what oh God do you have for me, I am open, I am willing... what oh God do you have for me?

and maybe this is what Lent is all about, maybe Lent is about simply seeking a deeper connection with God... I am hoping that as a seminary student and ordination candidate I can develop my understandings of this season so that when it comes time for me to preach 'Lenten' themes I can preach it with vigor and reality.

so there is 35 days left of lent, i'm not giving up anything, but I am seeking what God has for me. I am excited for Easter. I love Easter, it is my favorite time of the Christian year...




be blessed!!

failure

WOW so that whole idea of keeping myself accountable via blogging didn't work at all. however I have tried to squeeze in my day a quiet time in the morning, and it has added a bit of peace to my life.

I also have started to work out 3 times/week, I've only done it three times--one week, but I like it, my body is still sore, but its a good soreness... hopefully by the summer i'll be able to fit into some smaller clothes?! :-)

SO i'm not sure what this blog will turn into, maybe just my ramblings...who knows...

right now its Sunday evening and i'm preparing for a busy week of school and work. Ive got my first New Testament quiz on Tuesday...yikes!

This week on Wednesday marks the beginning of the Lent season, a time that ends with Easter and is usually my favorite time of year!.

catch you all later.

Day 5,6,7,8

Well I never realized that the weekend would cause a delay in my postings, however obviously it does :-)

I've been a little ill to my stomach all weekend and really didn't feel like doing anything at all, unfortunately being a mom, doing nothing never really happens, there is always a diaper to change and food to fix, and laundry to do...

I did however keep up with my small devotions in the mornings, I have been so enlightened by how praying and spending just a few short minutes with God in the morning changes my attitude on the day.

I have however been very emotional the past few days due to the drama with my soon to be ex-husband and all of that Jazz...I have tried hard to forgive him, and move on past the hurt that he has laid upon my heart, my self esteem, and my emotions, but I find it very difficult to do!

I have realized tho that this un-forgiveness and bitterness in my heart is keeping me from moving forward with God. So I've given my worries, doubts, and problems to Him, like it says to in 1 Peter chapter 5 verse 7. Because I have shed a lot of tears over this, I have reflected on this quote from Frederick Buechner, maybe it will shed some light for you too:
"Laugh till you weep. "Weep till there’s nothing left but to laugh at your weeping. In the end it’s all one.”

this week my goal is to make a plan and figure out when I can work out every day... lets see if it happens...

Day Four: whoopsy...

Day Four: whoops, I did not do a daily devotion this morning. Nate slept in as well this morning and I rushed around trying to get out of the house on time to get him to the sitter and then myself back to school on time...

However I have been in the presence of God all morning, I praise God for K-Love radio station at 97.3 here in the KC Metro area...

I praise God for Bishop Mutti and this weeks class devoted to United Methodist History. I have never been more proud to call myself a United Methodist!

I praise God for the movie Make a Difference, which I suggest you all STOP and watch RIGHT NOW.

I praise God for the Song Words to Build a Life On by Mike Crawford and the Sacred Siblings which is found at this YouTube link.

I may not have done a devotion but WHEW how GOD has moved today! Now we're about to do closing worship and I imagine that We will experience God again...

Please watch this video about making a difference and please listen to this song, they are amaizng!! Have a Blessed day and a GREAT weekend!!

Day Three- Never Diet Again!

Well today my son slept until almost 7am and I once again was greeted with 2 extra hours of sleep, a wonderful feeling!

I did a short devotion and I will share it totally here with you, because it is so wonderful and it is the coolest because it goes right along with this blog and my journey...




"Never Diet Again
It's you against all those fattening desserts: pies, cookies, cakes, candy. You have declared war on fat. You've carefully read food labels, measured portions, cut out the fatty foods from your diet, and exercised regularly. But did you know there's an eaiser way to stay healthy and fit, one that doesn't require you to lose weight to accomplish goals? In fact, God wants all His children to be FAT--spiritually speaking.

Here's how to gain spiritual weight:

F--Be Faithful to do all that God tells you to do.

A--Be Available for His use.

T--Be teachable.

Being faithful to God means holding on to Him when Life's problems are pressing in. You probably would rather run and hide. What if God is transforming you into a stronger person through those trials? Would you still want to run? Being available to God means allowing Him to heal the hidden things deep within your heart--disappointments, hurts, and failings. This will free you to help others, and you will replace old habits with good ones by seeking God's plan for you life. Being teachable means never skimping on your daily nourishment from the Bible. Feed your spirit on God's Word every day, and you won't feel spiritually hungry or deprived.

Go Ahead--get FAT with God!"

(This comes from the book called "Quiet Moments with God--Devotional" published by Honor Books in 2001 in Tulsa Oklahoma)

WOW is this not perfect for me now, for others struggling now too? for those of you that don't know I am going through a divorce, any divorce is not easy, I am struggling emotionally with this and have a lot of things hidden deep in my heart that God and I need to deal with, little by little I'm allowing forgiveness to reign in my heart instead of bitterness, but it is a hard process...it is so much easier to stay mad, but I've realized that staying mad is actually hurting me more than those whom I'm mad at. So my prayer for myself through this process of trying to become healthy mentally, physically, and spiritually is to have forgiveness reign totally in my heart.

I hope you all enjoy this, find things deep with in your heart and try to allow yourselves to become FAT with God!...

Day Two

Okay so maybe this week is just going to be different as far as my sleep goes, this morning I was able to sleep in until almost 8 am this morning, I woke rested and with a sense of peace overwhelming to me.

I did do a small devotion this morning and it was inspiring, it used scripture from 1st Corinthians 2: 10-11 "But God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God." then it went on to tell a story about the Ice Cream Company Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, how they are a non-profit organization and the money that they make that doesn't go back into production they donate to cause worthy organizations and charity's.

I did not know this about Ben and Jerry's company, I know they're ice cream is great, but it is also more expensive, I guess now I know why it is more expensive, and I promise that if I have the extra $ I will purchase Ben and Jerry's just to support their cause.

Back to the Devotion tho: I imagine that this story tied into the scripture because not a whole lot of people know about this mission of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, just like the scripture says "no body knows the Mind of God except the Spirit of God"... Only God knows what he has planned for you and for me, AND no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. SO those of you who are called for a larger cause weather that is in the church or not I hope you know by reading this that God knows what he has planned for you and by the words of the prophet Jeremiah "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today has been a great day, after I did my devotion I picked up my bible and just flipped it open...it fell to 2 Thessalonians chapter 2, this scripture is very inspiring to me and to those who are called, I encourage you to read it.

I have yet to find time to work out...this will be a struggle, I have gym equiment available to me in the student center, however Ive just not found the time to squeeze exercise into my day...it will happen someday... :-)

Have a blessed day and rest assured that God Knows about you, and loves you deeper than any human ever can!

Day One

Day One:

SO I am blogging again today to keep up with my NEW me...

Today I was surprised that Nate actually woke up at 6:45am! I was greeted with almost 2 extra hours of sleep :-) Which was FABULOUS and I am very grateful!

SO its not as early as normal, however I still did a small and quick devotion and a quick prayer before I started getting ready for the day.

This devotion was about remembering to breath. It used the scripture verse in Genesis when God breathed the breath of life: "the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being" (Genesis 2:7) this devotion went on to say that it has been proven that when persons and animals are stressed or are experience moments of adrenaline our brain process better when it has enough oxygen, which we give as we take deep breaths.

Then the devotion concluded that God breathed breath into every living being on the earth, and that Jesus breathed the Holy Spirit on his disciples before he sent them out, and then that the disciples experienced the holy spirit as a wind experience.

Sometimes as humans we get bogged down in the hustle and bustle of life and the expectations that the world and our families place on us that we forget how important stopping and taking a deep breath can be.

so if you read this, stop now, take a deep breath and give thanks for that breath in your lungs, unfortunately today around the world, particularly in Hatti several will attempt to breath and will be unsucccessful. Today is the one week anniversary of the earthquake in Hatti, may we all remember, pray, and help in any way we can.

To end I will leave a quote by John Wesley: (the founder of the Methodist Movement)

“Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”--John Wesley-

wow so my last post was in July...its been 6 months...I'm ashamed that I haven't kept up with this. Not only have I not kept up with the blogging but I also haven't kept up with the weight loss. I did weigh myself today and I proudly I have not gained any weight, but by now I hoped to have lost more than just the original 6 or so pounds.

Well now that it is a New Year (2010), I feel that I need a New Start to my life. A LOT has changed in my life since July, allow me to update you...

-I got accepted into Grad School, Saint Paul School of Theology, I am attending full time in hopes to gain my Master of Divinity Degree.

-I moved from my parents house into an apartment on Campus, with my lil son Nate, we're loving having our own space!

-I bought a car! 2000 Saturn SL2, its a small car but its a good car!

-Nate turned 2 and he's growing like a weed, he's lean and tall, the 2t's are too short for his legs, yet the 3t's are too big around his waist...

-Most recently I got 2 new jobs, I am the Director of Children's Ministry at at Church in KC MO and I also am now the new Director of Summer Adventure at a different church in KC MO.

WOW thats a ton of stuff!! and I have been a very busy woman.

In preperation for my MDiv Degree I have been reading a lot about John Wesley and the early Methodist Movement, as a born and bred methodist I have gotten a lot of inspiration and motivation from reading about this, which has sparked my interest in blogging again...

John Wesley devoted his life to dicipline, waking up at 4 or 5 am preached a sermon by 6am, preached again the noon hour and preached yet again in the evening hour. This is very inspiring to me, he woke early and worked hard, and woke early again every day like this.

This speaks to me because my lil 2 year old son doesn't not know what "sleeping in means" no matter how late I put him to bed he still wakes up ready to play between 4:30-5:30 AM, I usually am not a big morning person, however have been inspired to make myself a morning person and get with the game and embrace the early mornings much like John Wesley did.

I hope to make the most of my mornings, do a devotion/scripture reading/and prayer/and some good quality 2 year old time before I rush out to do class or work or church... I need some sort of accountability, because I fear that I will succomb to my flesh and nap on the couch like i've been doing this past year...any suggestions??

Hope you all have a blessed day!