Sunday, October 14, 2012
6 months
wow its been 6 months since my last post...
6 months...
and Im still fat!
of ALL the things I have been through in my life, including 27 hours of labor, divorce, single motherhood, almost 4 years of graduate school, and various mountain tops and valley's in my career, weight loss, substantial, sustaining weight loss is the absolute most hardest thing to get a grasp on.
I don't have an answer.
I mean people say "all you have to do is diet and exercise" diet I can handle, don't eat the breads, candy, soda's etc, its hard but I can do it (and for the most part am).
Exercise thats a whole new story. Do you know how expensive it is to join a gym that has childcare? too much to even think about. OK so work out at your apartment complex or at school where there is a free gym, I've tried that. it doesn't work. I barely meet all of my homework, work, and household requirements and still get 6 hours of sleep a night, adding 30min-1hour in the gym everyday is impossible, literally impossible. Taking my wild child to the apartment complex gym or the gym at my school never works because I'm constantly telling him to stop climbing on the machines, or he is driving someone else crazy. There are no easy solutions. And so I remain stuck, and fat.
Now I guess the piece of good news out of all of this is that I'm not gaining weight. so the "diet" or the more healthy I have started eating in the past year or so has at the least allowed me to remain the same weight.
Part of me wishes there was a magic pill that would help me lose weight, but another part of me says this struggle just like all the others struggles in my life will develop my character and testimony.
for now graduation is 7 months away. 30 weeks. If I can lose 1 pound a week for the next 30 weeks I will be "Pre-divorce" weight. lets see if it works...
~still fat~
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
weight loss
OK folks. I joined weight watchers. It has been 2.5 weeks and I have lost 8 pounds! I feel awesome! I recommend weight watchers, don't know what they do that's so different than counting calories but it seems to be working. I will do weight watchers until my subscription ends in three months (2.5 months) then hope I can maintain those habits w/out a subscription. I have a friend that is doing slim4life and she's lost 20 lbs in 2 months, maybe I'll look into that after weight watchers, but I hear its a lot of $$. Something I Don't have!
I'm also back to working out. I bought this walk at home DVD that even N likes to do with me, and when I can,I squeeze in a workout on the machines at school. I also plan on walking to drop off/pick up my son from school once it stops raining.
I have a recurring dream that I'm back at my goal weight (which is pre-seminary, pre-baby, pre-exhusband...)
That's all I can think of for now. I'm on spring break and I'm loving the relaxed schedule. Besides catching up on reading my goal is to catch up on ALL the laundry and pack away winter clothes. I'M SO EXCITED FOR SPRING!!
Blessings ya'll!
~Bec
I'm also back to working out. I bought this walk at home DVD that even N likes to do with me, and when I can,I squeeze in a workout on the machines at school. I also plan on walking to drop off/pick up my son from school once it stops raining.
I have a recurring dream that I'm back at my goal weight (which is pre-seminary, pre-baby, pre-exhusband...)
That's all I can think of for now. I'm on spring break and I'm loving the relaxed schedule. Besides catching up on reading my goal is to catch up on ALL the laundry and pack away winter clothes. I'M SO EXCITED FOR SPRING!!
Blessings ya'll!
~Bec
Thursday, March 8, 2012
OH MY!
I can NOT believe its been OVER a month since I last posted. I'm sure you are wondering WHAT HAPPENED to her?
Well folks I've YO-YO'd up 5 down 5 up 5 down 5 up 5 down 5. I have extreme bad weeks and extreme good weeks, but still have not lost more than 5 pounds WHAT DO I DO? I have NO idea!
I have tried SO HARD to incorporate healthy eating into my daily life style, but when I'm having a bad week, I cannot stay away from the fast food places therefore adding the 5 lost pounds back. This week that is about to end has been an extremely bad week and I'm a little depressed in myself.
I have stocked my cabinets with healthy granola bars that are high in protein and low in calories, but when I'm having a bad day, or an exhausted kind of day (like today) that is the last darn thing I want to eat! I want something comforting, mashed potatoes, fried anything, and of course a nice cool refreshing soda!
SO MY QUESTION to YOU healthy people out there. HOW can I change my mind or taste buds so when I'm feeling tired or stressed or overwhelmed I can still grab something healthy to eat that tastes good? to fulfill the hunger stab.
OR HOW CAN I GET AWAY FROM STRESS EATING?? Like I said in my last post I am addicted to food. When I feel sad, or mad, or angry, or happy, I eat something that tastes amazing and when I do this I feel better, this then wears off in a bout an hour and I might look for something else to keep that feeling going...much like an alcoholic. except with food addiction it is almost more severe because the "food/sugar high" can wear off in as quickly as 30 min, causing more sweets to enter the mouth. SO how do I STOP this addiction? I'm sorry but I really do not think a fad diet will work. It's almost like I need rehab, but do those exist for food addicts? I do not have time right now anyway. I am SO close to finishing school, in the back of my head I keep thinking loosing weight will be easier when I do not have so much on my plate (pun not intended, but still funny), but then I think if I don't do this now it will never happen. The fatter and older I get the harder it is for my body to move. This week has been a bad food week and I can feel that in my body, I hurt more, I have more indigestion, and irregularity when I eat bad foods, when I do not exercise I do not sleep as well, so when i'm being bad, I can literally feel it in my body and I hate it.
Speaking of exercise, I try hard to do at least 30 min a day. I try to park far away from wherever I'm going and walk more. This week I have done no exercising at all. I have found a wonderful walk at home video that even Nate likes to do with me sometimes. I love it and it takes about 45min--1hour to do the whole thing I did this 3 times two weeks ago and felt amazing! I wish I had the energy to keep this up!
I'm frustrated with my journey and totally feel like giving up. I told my friends I would try weight watchers, maybe that will help. I don't know. I really do not know what to do. Why is loosing weight harder than gaining weight?
~struggling and still fat~
UPDATE: I have found that my eating when I'm studying or writing late on the computer at night has changed, which is good. I do the carbonated water and gum option, so I'm still getting the carbonation that I crave and a little bit of sweetness and chewing motion from the chewing gum.
Well folks I've YO-YO'd up 5 down 5 up 5 down 5 up 5 down 5. I have extreme bad weeks and extreme good weeks, but still have not lost more than 5 pounds WHAT DO I DO? I have NO idea!
I have tried SO HARD to incorporate healthy eating into my daily life style, but when I'm having a bad week, I cannot stay away from the fast food places therefore adding the 5 lost pounds back. This week that is about to end has been an extremely bad week and I'm a little depressed in myself.
I have stocked my cabinets with healthy granola bars that are high in protein and low in calories, but when I'm having a bad day, or an exhausted kind of day (like today) that is the last darn thing I want to eat! I want something comforting, mashed potatoes, fried anything, and of course a nice cool refreshing soda!
SO MY QUESTION to YOU healthy people out there. HOW can I change my mind or taste buds so when I'm feeling tired or stressed or overwhelmed I can still grab something healthy to eat that tastes good? to fulfill the hunger stab.
OR HOW CAN I GET AWAY FROM STRESS EATING?? Like I said in my last post I am addicted to food. When I feel sad, or mad, or angry, or happy, I eat something that tastes amazing and when I do this I feel better, this then wears off in a bout an hour and I might look for something else to keep that feeling going...much like an alcoholic. except with food addiction it is almost more severe because the "food/sugar high" can wear off in as quickly as 30 min, causing more sweets to enter the mouth. SO how do I STOP this addiction? I'm sorry but I really do not think a fad diet will work. It's almost like I need rehab, but do those exist for food addicts? I do not have time right now anyway. I am SO close to finishing school, in the back of my head I keep thinking loosing weight will be easier when I do not have so much on my plate (pun not intended, but still funny), but then I think if I don't do this now it will never happen. The fatter and older I get the harder it is for my body to move. This week has been a bad food week and I can feel that in my body, I hurt more, I have more indigestion, and irregularity when I eat bad foods, when I do not exercise I do not sleep as well, so when i'm being bad, I can literally feel it in my body and I hate it.
Speaking of exercise, I try hard to do at least 30 min a day. I try to park far away from wherever I'm going and walk more. This week I have done no exercising at all. I have found a wonderful walk at home video that even Nate likes to do with me sometimes. I love it and it takes about 45min--1hour to do the whole thing I did this 3 times two weeks ago and felt amazing! I wish I had the energy to keep this up!
I'm frustrated with my journey and totally feel like giving up. I told my friends I would try weight watchers, maybe that will help. I don't know. I really do not know what to do. Why is loosing weight harder than gaining weight?
~struggling and still fat~
UPDATE: I have found that my eating when I'm studying or writing late on the computer at night has changed, which is good. I do the carbonated water and gum option, so I'm still getting the carbonation that I crave and a little bit of sweetness and chewing motion from the chewing gum.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Week Three--FOOD ADICT
Week Three
WOW I cannot believe its been Three WEEKS!
I have lost 5 pounds. That's it, yes only 5 pounds. Nothing like the 'biggest looser'. I am a little discouraged by my number on the scale. I thought I was doing SO good.
I have to remember that at least I'm not gaining weight, and I am 5 pounds lighter, if I keep this up (about 5 pounds a month) that's 60 pounds in a year. (Thanks to my little sister for this reminder)
I'm feeling a little better, I'm not as sluggish, I don't always feel the need to nap or rest, and when I work out I feel really good about myself. I keep telling myself It's just NOT enough.
THEN I stumbled across this website:
Are You a Food Addict?
Whether the obsession with food is a true addiction or simply a bad habit, one thing is clear: Your health is on the line. Obesity, psychological disorders, and diabetes are just a few of the health risks associated with compulsive eating.
If you're worried that you may have a food addiction, FoodAddicts.org recommends that you answer the following questions:
1. Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't?
2. Do you think about food or your weight constantly?
3. Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success?
4. Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging?
5. Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people?
6. Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight?
7. Do you eat large quantities of food at one time?
8. Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long?
10. Do you eat to escape from your feelings?
11. Do you eat when you're not hungry?
12. Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve it and eat it later?
13. Do you eat in secret?
14. Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake?
15. Have you ever stolen other people's food?
16. Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?"
17. Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight?
18. Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten?
19. Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten?
20. Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?"
21. Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food?
I answer YES to 12 of these. SO I guess the next thing I have to say is
HELLO MY NAME IS REBECCA AND I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD.
I never thought I would ever come to this. I never thought there could be an addiction to food, I mean we need it to survive. I never thought as a pastor, as a good person, that I'd ever be addicted to anything. But here I am 150 lbs over weight and struggling every single day with what goes in my mouth. SO now WHAT??? The only thing I can do for now is to keep up what I'm doing and pray real hard that God will miraculously change my mind about how I feel about food.
I see all these commercials about weight watchers, and Jenny, and what not, but I cannot afford a subscription to anything. Its hard enough affording fresh fruits a vegetables every week. that leads me to another question WHY are processed foods SO MUCH CHEAPER? WE ARE KILLING OURSELVES, RAISE THE PRICE of processed foods and LOWER THE PRICE OF LEAN MEAN AND FRESH PRODUCE!!!!!!! Maybe I should just start a garden...
I'm considering a cut in my calories. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm barely able to meet where I'm at now, but maybe that's my answer for better results. That's all for now folks, I'm gonna keep at it. I'll update you next week.
WOW I cannot believe its been Three WEEKS!
I have lost 5 pounds. That's it, yes only 5 pounds. Nothing like the 'biggest looser'. I am a little discouraged by my number on the scale. I thought I was doing SO good.
I have to remember that at least I'm not gaining weight, and I am 5 pounds lighter, if I keep this up (about 5 pounds a month) that's 60 pounds in a year. (Thanks to my little sister for this reminder)
I'm feeling a little better, I'm not as sluggish, I don't always feel the need to nap or rest, and when I work out I feel really good about myself. I keep telling myself It's just NOT enough.
THEN I stumbled across this website:
Are You a Food Addict?
Whether the obsession with food is a true addiction or simply a bad habit, one thing is clear: Your health is on the line. Obesity, psychological disorders, and diabetes are just a few of the health risks associated with compulsive eating.
If you're worried that you may have a food addiction, FoodAddicts.org recommends that you answer the following questions:
1. Have you ever wanted to stop eating and found you just couldn't?
2. Do you think about food or your weight constantly?
3. Do you find yourself attempting one diet or food plan after another, with no lasting success?
4. Do you binge and then "get rid of the binge" through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging?
5. Do you eat differently in private than you do in front of other people?
6. Has a doctor or family member ever approached you with concern about your eating habits or weight?
7. Do you eat large quantities of food at one time?
8. Is your weight problem due to your "nibbling" all day long?
10. Do you eat to escape from your feelings?
11. Do you eat when you're not hungry?
12. Have you ever discarded food, only to retrieve it and eat it later?
13. Do you eat in secret?
14. Do you fast or severely restrict your food intake?
15. Have you ever stolen other people's food?
16. Have you ever hidden food to make sure you have "enough?"
17. Do you feel driven to exercise excessively to control your weight?
18. Do you obsessively calculate the calories you've burned against the calories you've eaten?
19. Do you frequently feel guilty or ashamed about what you've eaten?
20. Are you waiting for your life to begin "when you lose the weight?"
21. Do you feel hopeless about your relationship with food?
I answer YES to 12 of these. SO I guess the next thing I have to say is
HELLO MY NAME IS REBECCA AND I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD.
I never thought I would ever come to this. I never thought there could be an addiction to food, I mean we need it to survive. I never thought as a pastor, as a good person, that I'd ever be addicted to anything. But here I am 150 lbs over weight and struggling every single day with what goes in my mouth. SO now WHAT??? The only thing I can do for now is to keep up what I'm doing and pray real hard that God will miraculously change my mind about how I feel about food.
I see all these commercials about weight watchers, and Jenny, and what not, but I cannot afford a subscription to anything. Its hard enough affording fresh fruits a vegetables every week. that leads me to another question WHY are processed foods SO MUCH CHEAPER? WE ARE KILLING OURSELVES, RAISE THE PRICE of processed foods and LOWER THE PRICE OF LEAN MEAN AND FRESH PRODUCE!!!!!!! Maybe I should just start a garden...
I'm considering a cut in my calories. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm barely able to meet where I'm at now, but maybe that's my answer for better results. That's all for now folks, I'm gonna keep at it. I'll update you next week.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
STRESS = BAD
SO
I've had 2 bad days this week. One was Monday when I forgot it was a holiday and that Nate didn't have school. I was exhausted from a busy weekend at work, and Nate was in this mood to where whatever we did he did not want to do it. SO I found myself away from home, away from my healthy food, and I jumped back into my old habits of running through a fast food place. The same thing happened yesterday on Thursday, I had appointments out all day, and I did not bring healthy food with me. however when I weighed this morning I did NOT re-gain those 3lbs, which made me feel better.
SO how do I deal with eating healthy and being away from home??? I guess I have to get into the head thought of "well before I leave the house I need to pack some food to go" which I can, that's just something else to adjust into my morning routine. My favorite new food that I actually tried and enjoyed this morning was Greek Yogurt with a little bit of granola.
The only thing I'm worried about my new healthy food kick, is Nate, I hope he will adjust to eating the new food, it will be just as good for him as it is for me. However ever since he was a baby he has been underweight and small so I never felt bad if he ate a lot of calories, his metabolism is nothing like mine!!
Next week, the 23rd. I have a J-Term (January term) class which meets from 8-5(ish) everyday for 1 week. then I have the last week of Jan. off and the spring semester starts Feb 6th. So I have until Feb 6th to get into a healthy eating routine. Lord help me!
Also like really my muscles ACHE from working out! yesterday my leg hurt so bad I didn't want to walk...I did, but I didn't want to move it! When I was more active (before marriage/child/grad school)I don't remember the aches and pains so bad, but maybe that's just because I'm getting old!
SO that's all for now folks. I'm working out tonight! I prob won't blog again until Monday as its another busy weekend!
I've had 2 bad days this week. One was Monday when I forgot it was a holiday and that Nate didn't have school. I was exhausted from a busy weekend at work, and Nate was in this mood to where whatever we did he did not want to do it. SO I found myself away from home, away from my healthy food, and I jumped back into my old habits of running through a fast food place. The same thing happened yesterday on Thursday, I had appointments out all day, and I did not bring healthy food with me. however when I weighed this morning I did NOT re-gain those 3lbs, which made me feel better.
SO how do I deal with eating healthy and being away from home??? I guess I have to get into the head thought of "well before I leave the house I need to pack some food to go" which I can, that's just something else to adjust into my morning routine. My favorite new food that I actually tried and enjoyed this morning was Greek Yogurt with a little bit of granola.
The only thing I'm worried about my new healthy food kick, is Nate, I hope he will adjust to eating the new food, it will be just as good for him as it is for me. However ever since he was a baby he has been underweight and small so I never felt bad if he ate a lot of calories, his metabolism is nothing like mine!!
Next week, the 23rd. I have a J-Term (January term) class which meets from 8-5(ish) everyday for 1 week. then I have the last week of Jan. off and the spring semester starts Feb 6th. So I have until Feb 6th to get into a healthy eating routine. Lord help me!
Also like really my muscles ACHE from working out! yesterday my leg hurt so bad I didn't want to walk...I did, but I didn't want to move it! When I was more active (before marriage/child/grad school)I don't remember the aches and pains so bad, but maybe that's just because I'm getting old!
SO that's all for now folks. I'm working out tonight! I prob won't blog again until Monday as its another busy weekend!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
its a battle--week one
It's a battle
I have to learn how to tell myself NO!
Tomorrow makes one week since I started this. I weighed myself...I'm three pounds lighter.
I feel no different, Im still tired, I still LOVE food, I guess I feel a little bit happeir that I'm eating healthier, but if I am honest, I feel no different. So I gotta keep it up.
I've been tracking my food intake and my exercise outtake on my iPhone/iPad using the Lose It App!
I LOVE it, It sends me a reminder when I don't log my things. It has all the foods I have eaten!
as far as working out goes, I worked out 3 times last week. I used to always opt for the elevator when I came to a set of stairs, now they don't seem as daunting. I am thinking about getting a treadmill at my house, not sure tho, I love the out doors I just hate the winter. For now tho I go to campus to work out because we have a small work out facility there. When I'm there I usually do the bike and the treadmill, on the treadmill I usually Walk the straights, and run/jog the curves.
this allows me to increase my heart rate for a few seconds, and then I calm down on the straight parts of the track, I usually do this for a mile, then I ride the bike for a mile or 15 min. whatever is longer. Not sure if this is the best work out for me, but that's what I do. I hope once I get into a cardio routine I can add weight lifting... I HATE, ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY HATE, MY FAT ARMS! If you have any tips on how to shrink my fat arms PLEASE let me know!
those are my thoughts for today...
I have to learn how to tell myself NO!
Tomorrow makes one week since I started this. I weighed myself...I'm three pounds lighter.
I feel no different, Im still tired, I still LOVE food, I guess I feel a little bit happeir that I'm eating healthier, but if I am honest, I feel no different. So I gotta keep it up.
I've been tracking my food intake and my exercise outtake on my iPhone/iPad using the Lose It App!
I LOVE it, It sends me a reminder when I don't log my things. It has all the foods I have eaten!
as far as working out goes, I worked out 3 times last week. I used to always opt for the elevator when I came to a set of stairs, now they don't seem as daunting. I am thinking about getting a treadmill at my house, not sure tho, I love the out doors I just hate the winter. For now tho I go to campus to work out because we have a small work out facility there. When I'm there I usually do the bike and the treadmill, on the treadmill I usually Walk the straights, and run/jog the curves.
this allows me to increase my heart rate for a few seconds, and then I calm down on the straight parts of the track, I usually do this for a mile, then I ride the bike for a mile or 15 min. whatever is longer. Not sure if this is the best work out for me, but that's what I do. I hope once I get into a cardio routine I can add weight lifting... I HATE, ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY HATE, MY FAT ARMS! If you have any tips on how to shrink my fat arms PLEASE let me know!
those are my thoughts for today...
Friday, January 13, 2012
scales
SO like I said I bought a scale, it's kinda fancy...its digital, I already hate it! I have actually gained 20lbs since giving birth AHH!! I cried, I'm SO discouraged. I'M SO SICK WITH MYSELF, I DISGUST MYSELF! ALL I can say is food is evil! maybe I'm just so upset because I haven't had soda in like 5 days and I REALLY MISS IT! Ya know kinda like an addict who gets cranky without a fix. THE HORRIBLE thing I ate a candy bar after I weighed myself, why? probably cause I was sad and it made me feel a bit better..I MUST get out of eating when I'm sad, it only hurts me more...
SO this morning I woke up, I did not eat breakfast, I was not hungry. I just now got hungry at about 1pm. This is what I made:
its a salad with grilled chicken, TOTAL CALORIES UNDER 300: I cut up 1 green pepper, 4 celery stocks, 2 roma tomatoes,6 baby carrots, and 1/2 a head of lettuce, tossed it all together and put about half of it in my bowl, the other half I'll have tomorrow. the best part was the dressing:
I made my own! I squeezed 1/4 of a lime and sprinkled kosher salt over my salad and tossed it together, the lime works its way into all the veggies and makes it tart kinda like an Italian dressing...how many calories? 10!!
I just ate it, and I'm still a tad hungry so I think i'll have a Kashi Granola bar, tons of protein and few calories.
ANY WAY I'm trying hard to not eat junk, its HARD, I LOVE SWEETS AND PASTRY'S! LOVE THEM!! I feel happier when I eat them, but when I look at the scale I HATE it... so I MUST STOP.
OH and I'm going out tonight...with a BOY...! ;-) stayed tuned! NIX THAT PLANS CHANGED... oh well nothing like a movie night with my lil man!
SO this morning I woke up, I did not eat breakfast, I was not hungry. I just now got hungry at about 1pm. This is what I made:
its a salad with grilled chicken, TOTAL CALORIES UNDER 300: I cut up 1 green pepper, 4 celery stocks, 2 roma tomatoes,6 baby carrots, and 1/2 a head of lettuce, tossed it all together and put about half of it in my bowl, the other half I'll have tomorrow. the best part was the dressing:
I made my own! I squeezed 1/4 of a lime and sprinkled kosher salt over my salad and tossed it together, the lime works its way into all the veggies and makes it tart kinda like an Italian dressing...how many calories? 10!!
I just ate it, and I'm still a tad hungry so I think i'll have a Kashi Granola bar, tons of protein and few calories.
ANY WAY I'm trying hard to not eat junk, its HARD, I LOVE SWEETS AND PASTRY'S! LOVE THEM!! I feel happier when I eat them, but when I look at the scale I HATE it... so I MUST STOP.
OH and I'm going out tonight...with a BOY...! ;-) stayed tuned! NIX THAT PLANS CHANGED... oh well nothing like a movie night with my lil man!
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